"This is 40 Minutes Too Long"

That's the buzz from all the folks in Hollywood.  "This is 40" is "40 minutes too long."

I'll go one further.  I will argue that "This is 40" is 134 minutes too long.  The entire length of the film.  Indeed, it never should have been made.

Once again, I was swayed by the positive reviews from critics who see no wrong when it comes to director/writer Judd Apatow. 

"Oscar potential."

"Apatow has his finger on the pulse of America."

"The new Billy Wilder."

The last one made me gag on my English muffin.  We don't need a new Billy Wilder.  DVDs and Turner Classic Movies allow us still to enjoy the old Billy Wilder.  Nevertheless, I was moved enough by the positives to take a shot at "This is 40."  In the same way that I have sampled some of his earlier works, including "Knocked Up," which is sort of the prequel to this film. 

I never learn, do I?

Because, indeed, I can definitely say that "This is 40" just might be one of the worst movies I have seen in my life.  It is foul.  It is reprehensible.  It is ugly.  It is unrealistic.  And, if this is what life is like for normal people in America, I am moving to a police state in South America.  Or any place that will not show any more Judd Apatow movies.

I really don't get it.  There is so much wrong with "This is 40" that I cannot fathom how it has received any positive buzz.  Is Hollywood afraid of pissing Apatow off?  Because, realistically, there is nothing either redeeming or creatively clever in the two plus hours or maybe days that it took for the film to unspool onto the screen.  This man is viewed as a comedy genius.  Will someone please explain this to me?  He's the Barack Obama of filmmakers.  Nothing to say, very little substance, but oh, boy, you gotta love him.

Where do I start with the clean-up of this toxic landfill?  We meet another annoying character played by the equally annoying Paul Rudd.  Essentially, it's the alter ego of Apatow.  Living the typical middle class existence in a Brentwood, California mansion that I couldn't ever hope to own myself.  Rudd's character and family in "This is 40" are people we allegedly met before in Apatow's other sewer back-up "Knocked Up."  In that, they were supporting characters.  Now, they're the stars and I'm astounded there was ever any groundswell to see these assholes ever again. 

Rudd and his wife and children deal with life as both Mom and Dad approach the age of 40.  That's all they talk about.  Narcissism on steroids.  They are planning a big birthday celebration throughout the entire movie, which encompasses several calendar seasons as well as Christmas.  How long do average Americans take to plan a birthday party?  Apparently, months.  Compared to these two morons, Queen Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee was easier to coordinate.

Beyond the birthday party manuevers, there is very little plot in "This is 40."  The wife has a hunky physical trainer.  The husband is trying to mount a comeback for musician Graham Parker, who plays himself and is now himself doomed to never have a comeback on his own.  They deal with their fathers.  One's played by Albert Brooks, who looks like one of those whales that washes up on a beach and then dies.  The other dad is played by John Lithgow and, for me, he was the most interesting character in the movie.  PS, I always hate John Lithgow.  That gives you a rough idea of how this is going for me.

Meanwhile, there are two kids who are equally foul-mouthed and annoying.  Conveniently, they are played by Apatow's own two daughters.  Allowing these children to be a part of this wretched garbage swill should prompt somebody in the audience to anonymously call Los Angeles Child Services immediately.  Foster homes should be set up before it's too late.

And then there's the missus of this piece.  The wife of the screen version of Judd Apatow.  Played naturally by Judd Apatow's real wife, Leslie Mann.   Look at her credits on IMDB.  The only time she works is when she's been cast by...wait for the answer...Judd Apatow.  There's a good reason for this.  She's an atrocious actress.  I would rather see Marie Osmond as Maggie in Tennessee Williams' "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof."  Every moment that Mann is on the screen is like a little mini-colonoscopy without the anesthesia.  Her voice is shrill.  Her acting is heavy-handed.  And, as a character in this piece, she is incredibly loathsome.  If OJ Simpson had been married to Leslie Mann's character, he would have been given the keys to the city by Judge Lance Ito.

You want more reasons to avoid this piece of shit?  I got 'em.

We're "treated" again to the histrionics of that fat slob actress Melissa McCarthy, who bounces all over her TV screens these days in "Mike and Molly."  Well, her disgusting act got her an Oscar nomination for "Bridesmaids" and that was because that film's writer, Kristin Wiig, had created a script and some characters that, beyond the toilet humor, possessed some heart.  Apatow doesn't have that skill set, unless, of course, you are part of his own life.  So, character development is never a requisite when it comes to one of his films. 

That gives us here a cameo appearance by McCarthy that is so disgusting and rancid it makes an episode of "Two and a Half Men" look like Squarepants Sponge Bob.  Her main purpose in a single scene is to have a swear-word-filled rant that would have made Lenny Bruce blush.  I actually started to feel sorry for the woman.   Until I then realized I never want to see her again.  Of course, Apatow must think this is an absolute scream because you get to see the outtakes of this scene over the closing credits.  If you want a 101 crash course on how to curse like a sailor, this is the movie for you.  Apatow must have thought this was hilarious.  The audience I was with sat there and cringed.

But, then again, Judd Apatow doesn't give a damn about the audience.  He thinks that his life up there on the big screen is entertainment enough for all of us.  As if anybody really cares about this people, who are rich, self-centered, and pompous.  There is not a real or organic second in the entire film.

The stench of this movie stayed with me for days.  Sort of like what happens to your clothes when you've spent an evening in a smoke-filled bar.  Meanwhile, I reread the reviews and shake my head in dismay.  Is Apatow that Teflon-coated?  Or does he have incriminating photos of every movie critic in America?

I need to cleanse myself.  I decided to watch the Blu-ray edition of Billy Wilder's "The Apartment," which happens to be numero uno on my list of all-time favorite movies.  I got to watch again a slice of America, albeit circa 1960.  But, with characters that I cared about and situations that I could identify with.  The lives in "The Apartment" are as messy as the ones Judd Apatow depicts in "This is 40."

But so much more entertaining.  The sheer difference of an artist like Wilder and a complete fraud like Apatow.

Avoid this movie like the plague.  You will thank me.

Dinner last night:  Leftover manicotti.