221: ROMAN EMPEROR ELAGABALUS ADOPTS HIS COUSIN ALEXANDER SEVERUS AS HIS HEIR AND RECEIVES THE TITLE OF CAESAR.
And orders a salad by the same name,
363: ROMAN EMPEROR JULIAN IS KILLED DURING THE RETREAT FROM THE SASSANID EMPIRE. GENERAL JOVIAN IS PROCLAIMED EMPEROR.
Rome sure does run through leaders, don't they?
1409: THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH IS LED INTO A DOUBLE SCHISM AS PETROS PHILARGOS IS CROWNED POPE ALEXANDER V AFTER THE COUNCIL OF PISA, JOINING POPE GREGORY XII IN ROME AND POPE BENEDICT XII IN AVIGNON.
How many Popes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1541: FRANCISCO PIZZARO IS ASSASSINATED IN LIMA BY THE SON OF HIS ANTAGONIST.
Leaving his grandson to later pitch for the Chicago White Sox.
1718: TSAREVICH ALEXEI PETROVICH OF RUSSIA, PETER THE GREAT'S SON, MYSTERIOUSLY DIES AFTER BEING SENTENCED TO DEATH BY HIS FATHER FOR PLOTTING AGAINST HIM.
And you thought dysfunctional families were new?
1819: ABNER DOUBLEDAY IS BORN.
The inventor of baseball. God bless him.
1870: THE CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY OF CHRISTMAS IS DECLARED A FEDERAL HOLIDAY IN THE US.
Nice thing to do in the middle of the summer.
1886: HENRI MOISSAN ISOLATED FLOURINE FOR THE FIRST TIME.
Can Crest toothpaste be far behind?
1892: AUTHOR PEARL S. BUCK IS BORN.
And the Earth is Good.
1909: COLONEL TOM PARKER IS BORN.
Somebody loved his mother tender.
1917: THE FIRST US TROOPS ARRIVE IN FRANCE TO FIGHT ALONGSIDE BRITAIN AND FRANCE AGAINST GERMANY IN WORLD WAR I.
And what do we need the French for? Oh, yeah, fresh bread.
1922: ACTRESS ELEANOR PARKER IS BORN.
Another one of those actresses that I wish was my mother.
1927: THE CYCLONE ROLLER COASTER OPENS ON CONEY ISLAND.
And, as a result, the concept of vomiting is invented.
1934: PRESIDENT FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT SIGNS THE FEDERAL CREDIT UNION ACT, WHICH ESTABLISHES CREDIT UNIONS.
In a weird way, this makes sense.
1938: SINGER BILLY DAVIS JR. IS BORN.
Had this not happened, it would have been the Fourth Dimension.
1944: THE BATTLE OF OSUCHY IN POLAND ENDS WITH THE DEFEAT OF THE POLISH RESISTANCE FORCES.
Osuchy was really Ouch-y.
19i45: THE UNITED NATIONS CHARTER IS SIGNED IN SAN FRANCISCO.
So how come New York got stuck with this monstrosity?
1948: WILLIAM SHOCKLEY FILES THE ORIGINAL PATENT FOR THE GROWN JUNCTION TRANSISTER, THE FIRST BIPOLAR JUNCTION TRANSISTOR.
Any time I see the word "bipolar" in print, I automatically think of Carrie Fisher.
1948: SHIRLEY JACKSON'S SHORT STORY, "THE LOTTERY," IS PUBLISHED IN THE NEW YORKER.
Who hasn't done a book report of this?
1961: CYCLIST GREG LE MOND IS BORN.
How long did he need training wheels?
1963: PRESIDENT JOHN F. KENNEDY GIVES HIS "ICH BIN EIN BERLINER" SPEECH IN GERMANY.
And later that year....."ich bin ein corpse."
1974: THE UNIVERSAL PRODUCT CODE IS SCANNED FOR THE FIRST TIME TO SELL A PACK OF WRIGLEY'S GUM IN TROY, OHIO.
Price check!
1993: BASEBALL STAR ROY CAMPANELLA DIES.
Hoverround on sale. Cheap.
1997: THE US SUPREME COURT RULES THAT THE COMMUNICATIONS DECENCY ACT VIOLATES THE FIRST AMENDMENT.
Long live Korean porn.
2003: POLITICIAN STROM THURMOND DIES.
Born in 1902. Finally, says everybody listed in his will.
2003: THE US SUPREME COURT RULES IN LAWRENCE VS. TEXAS THAT GENDER-BASED SODOMY LAWS ARE UNCONSTITUTIONAL.
There are no words.
2007: FASHION DESIGNER LIZ CLAIBORNE DIES.
Out of style.
2012: WRITER/DIRECTOR NORA EPHRON DIES.
No longer sleepless.
2012: ACTRESS DORIS SINGLETON DIES.
Carolyn Appleby on I Love Lucy!
Dinner last night: Dodger dog at the game.
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