Saul and Heshe Live Blog (Sort of) The Oscars

Our old hard-boiled Hollywood pals are back.   Saul and Heshe, two inside veterans of the Tinseltown wars, love to meet at their favorite deli and kibbutz about what's happening in town.   And so they met yesterday, over extra lean pastrami, to chew over the Oscars that were given out the night before.   Let's listen in...

 "Oy."

"Oy is right.".

"Over four hours of that chazerei.  I got a bed sore that would choke a Nazi."

"We should choke all Nazis but we digress..."

"Bob Hope, please come back.   All is forgiven."

"Anybody but that skinny faygala."  

"Doogie Whositz.  Walking around in this bloomers.  Proud of his pecker."

"Meanwhile, he got nothing on Burt Lancaster.  Now there was a cocksman."

"Shtuping around on the beach with Deborah Kerr.  Oy.  Fan me please."

"Did you see any of the dreck that got nominated?"

"If it ain't on Me TV, I ain't watching.   Perry Mason every night at 11:30.  God bless."

"The movie Boyhood?  It took twelve years to film."

"Feh.  Back in the day, we'd wait twelve years for Marilyn to come out of her dressing room."

"There was all this mishegoss about the Birdman. Nobody I know understood it."

"The one who was in Alcatraz?  Much more interesting.  Again.  Burt Lancaster.  But no Deborah Kerr."

"These days, you want an Oscar.   You climb into a wheelchair."

"Or get Azlheimer's. That Julianne Moore won.  A whole movie about some broad losing her car keys."

"My wife does that twice a week.  Okay, sometimes I hide them, too.  Especially if I hear Nordstrom's is having a sale."

"Oy."

"Vy is mizr."

"Who are all these pishers they were using to present the awards?  Are they on like MTV or something the kids watch?"

"I was like the last macaroon on the buffet table during the High Holidays.  Where are the stars?"

"Paul Newman."

"Dead."

"Jack Lemmon."

"Dead."

"Lauren Bacall"

"I fucked her.   But also dead."

"Did you see what that Jennifer Lopez was wearing?"

"Oy."

"Oy."

"Can I get some proscuitto with those melons?"

"Those couldn't be real."

"Hello.   Miss Lopez's tits by Earl Scheib."  

"Meanwhile, what she had sticking out the front, Oprah had sticking out the back."

"Oy."

"Oy."

"What a tuches!  They needed three seatfillers for her."

"You see a behind like that on a schvatza and you want to buy stamps."

"Or renew your driver's license."

"And what about that yenta who won Supporting Actress?  Flapping her gums about equality for women."

"All those broads standing and applauding.  None of them are underpaid for sure."

"Shaddap."

"Shaddap is right.  Women in Hollywood ain't hurting.  Look at my wife's bill at Fred Segal."

"Back when, all you had to do was get your secretary a little something around the holidays.   Usually a nice box of See's Candy."

"If she wanted to make a political statement, she should have sent that Indian Marlon Brando used."

"And she didn't even have the decency to mention her grandfather Charlie Weaver."

"And, even then, she still might put a little dill in your pickle."

"God bless those days."

"Mazel."

"Let's face facts.   The business ain't the way it used to be.  When going to the Oscars with Terry Moore on your arm meant something."

"I fucked her."

"No, I fucked her.   You fucked Debra Paget."

"No, I fucked Marilyn Maxwell.  I think she may have fucked Debra Paget."

"I think you're right."

"These days, you know who gets fucked all the time?"

"Yeah, us.   But not at home."

"Let's call the waitress over for the check."

"Make sure the bitch doesn't charge us for the cole slaw she forgot to bring."

Dinner last night:  Bacon turkey burger at BJs.