Your Winning Oscar Ballot, Part 1

It's that time of year, gang.   You've got that pesky office pool ballot for the Oscars staring at you.   You have no clue what to do with it.   Well, consult a winner.   Me.

Those of you regulars know that I participate in an annual Oscar pool with my two good pals back East, Lorraine and Dennis.   At stake is a nice meal in a Manhattan restaurant.   The two losers pay for the winner.  Trust me when I play you.   It's usually me watching Lorraine and Dennis plunk down their Visas for the dinner.   

But, it's Hollywood and anything can happen.  We start our competition by trying to predict the nominees in all the major categories.   I'm already one point up on my friends.   Now we have to pick the winners in every category being awarded this Sunday night.  Tomorrow, I'll give you my choices for all the big Oscars.   Today, I'll address the little awards.   You know, the ones you usually ignore while you're sifting through the bag and trying to find the special sauce you need for the fried dumplings that were just delivered.

BEST LIVE ACTION:   There are theaters that actually play these short films so people can see them and intelligently fill out their Oscar office pool ballots.   This year, you could even view them on demand at home.  Okay, just how much effort do you want to put into this?  And, besides, you might actually like one and pick it on personal preference.  Do you want satisfaction or do you want to freakin' win?   

Me?  I click on the titles and figure out what these damn things are about.  If the logline has a cause in it, I vote for it because...well...Hollywood's liberal heart is always bleeding.  For instance, if you read that something tells the story of a gay Black guy whose grandfather was killed in the Holocaust and now he devotes his life to an anti-fracking cause, there's your pick to win.   This year, I see the pundits are lining up behind something called THE PHONE CALL.  It's set in the middle of Northern Ireland's religious war.    Smells cause-y enough to me.

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT:  And sometimes you can just pick the winner by the title alone.  CRISIS HOTLINE: VETERANS PRESS 1.   Duh?   Clearly, a story about veterans coming home from battle and looking to commit suicide.   Anti-war always works in Hollywood.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT:  My buddies Lorraine and Dennis go to see these cartoons every year.  It certainly hasn't given them a leg up in these competitions.   Always rely on the nominee that is produced by Disney or Pixar.  That would be FEAST, which is about a dog.   Of course, it still begs the age old question of Walt.   We know Pluto was a pooch.   But, just what was Goofy?

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE:   For the first time in several years, I have not seen one of these nominees.  I was confused by Disney's Big Hero 6.   I figured that I was far behind since apparently there were five Big Hero movies before this.  I read there was a criminal injustice that the Lego Movie wasn't nominated.   Unfortunately, Al Sharpton was incensed enough to picket about that.   Most of the pundits are opting for HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2.   PS, I didn't see the first one of that franchise either.

BEST SOUND MIXING:   The last mixer I knew anything about was at Fordham University during senior year.   I didn't do so well at that.   I'll do better here.   The winner, for all that cool jazz percussion, just has to be WHIPLASH.

BEST SOUND EDITING:  Speaking of my days at Fordham, I was the producer of a weekly radio sitcom and I did all the editing.   I got good at the process and it's probably a lot easier now in the digital world.   I'm rambling, but that's because I have nothing salient to say about this category.  The winner is AMERICAN SNIPER.

BEST MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING:  If I had a vote, I would go for all the creepy looking people in the Grand Budapest Hotel.   But, for some reason I don't understand, voters seems to be enamored with that awful putty nose Steve Carell wore in the remarkably dreadful Foxcatcher.   This is one where I am going to choose what I like.   The winner is the GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN:  Well, all those creepy looking people also wore some nifty looking clothes.  The winner is GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL.

BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN:  When I saw this movie last spring at the Arclight Hollywood, they actually had the miniature mock-up of the hotel in the lobby.   It was amazing to look at.   I'll bet a lot of Academy members saw the same exhibit.  The winner is GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL.

BEST FILM EDITING:   This is all about cutting a movie.   So, that generally means the longest film somehow winds.   And since the damn thing involved footage shot over a 12-year period, I suppose the winner will be BOYHOOD.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS:  This is the one category where mindless action movies actually get recognized for cheesy computer graphics, explosions, and the like.  The more brainless, the more likely the win.   Except this year, one film supposedly had something to say.   I'll have to take the pundits' word for it.  The only nominee I saw was Guardians of the Galaxy and I watched it on a ten-inch screen courtesy of American Airlines.  The winner is INTERSTELLAR.

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE:  I actually saw one of the nominees.   The fascinating Last Days in Vietnam by one of the Robert Kennedy kids.   But, lots of the Academy these days weren't even born then.   My guess is that, ripped from today's leaky headlines, the winner is CITIZENFOUR.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM:  Surveying the nominees for special causes and themes.   One stands out.   From Poland, IDA is about a Polish-Jewish girl who was hidden in a convent and raised as a Catholic during World War II, and her aunt who joined the Communist resistance and became a judge after the war.  Granted that's a mouthful, but it presses some of the self-conscious Hollywood buttons.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE:  Music that plays in the background of characters with illnesses or afflictions always...well...scores.  The winner is THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG:  There's a song by Glen Campbell from that documentary about his farewell concert tour.  Now that would be too cool to honor.   There's a song from Begin Again, a movie I loved and the tune was co-written by Danielle Brisebois!   Now that would be nice, too.   But, God forbid the Academy overlook Selma again.   The winner is some piece of garbage from that movie called GLORY.   A hip hop/rapper-like song from a movie set in 1965!!!

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:  As creepily clever as nominee Nightcrawler was, the chance to finally award the always interesting Wes Anderson is way too tempting.   Plus the movie's script was way too smart for most living rooms.  The winner is GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:  Well, the buttlescut is that this race is close between two movies I really enjoyed.  The Imitation Game and Whiplash.   For me, the tiebreaker is that the former won the Writers Guild award.   The winner is THE IMITATION GAME. 

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY:   This award almost always follows the lead of the winning Director.   Oh, wait.  I'm going to give you that winner tomorrow.   But, I suppose here's a spoiler alert for you.   The Cinematography Oscar will go to BIRDMAN.

Dinner last night:  Stir fry vegetables.