This Date in History - March 11

We remember Lawrence Welk on his birthday.  How could I forget him?   The man was on all available TV sets in my house every Saturday night.   And, oh, that's the Champagne Lady Norma Zimmer who my grandmother hated.

222:  EMPEROR ELAGABALUS IS ASSASSINATED ALONG WITH HIS MOTHER, JULIA SOAEMIAS, BY THE PRAETORIAN GUARD DURING A REVOLT.  THEIR MUTILATED BODIES ARE DRAGGED THROUGH THE STREETS OF ROME.

As if there aren't enough traffic problems there.

1387:  ENGLISH CONDOTTIERO SIR JOHN HAWKWOOD LEADS PADOVA TO VICTORY IN A FACTIONAL CLASH WITH VERONA.

Here's something you don't hear often.  "Mommy, I want to be a condottiero when I grow up."

1641:  GUARANI FORCES LIVING IN THE JESUIT REDUCTIONS DEFEAT BANDEIRANTES LOYAL TO THE PORTUGUESE EMPIRE IN ARGENTINA.

"Daddy, I'd like to be a bandeirante when I grow up."

1702:  THE DAILY COURANT, ENGLAND'S FIRST NATIONAL DAILY NEWSPAPER, IS PUBLISHED FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Now the King can do his Sudoku in the morning.

1824:  THE UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF WAR CREATES THE BUREAU OF INDIAN AFFAIRS.

For all those Indians who want to cheat on their wives.

1845:  UNHAPPY WITH TRANSLATIONAL DIFFERENCES REGARDING THE TREATY OF WAITANGI, CHIEFS HONE HEKE, KAWITI AND MAORI TRIBE MEMBERS CHOP DOWN THE BRITISH FLAGPOLE FOR A FOURTH TIME IN NEW ZEALAND.

Now that's a run-on sentence.

1851: THE FIRST PERFORMANCE OF RIGOLETTO BY GUISEPPE VERDI TAKES PLACE IN VENICE.

Rigoletto...with meatballs.

1861:  THE CONSTITUTION OF THE CONFEDERATE STATES OF AMERICA IS ADOPTED.

This means war, y'all.

1867:  THE FIRST PERFORMANCE OF DON CARLOS BY GUISEPPE VERDI TAKES PLACE IN PARIS.

This proves Guiseppe Verdi is not a one-hit wonder.

1888:  THE GREAT BLIZZARD OF 1888 BEGINS ALONG THE EASTERN SEABOARD OF THE US.

Even in 1888, that's overtime for sanitation workers.

1895:  ACTOR SHEMP HOWARD IS BORN.

Why I oughta!

1903:  BANDLEADER LAWRENCE WELK IS BORN.

Did he ever count up to three?

1918:  THE FIRST CASE OF SPANISH FLU OCCURS IN WHAT WILL BE A WORLDWIDE EPIDEMIC. 

That's what happens when there's no Theraflu.

1927:  IN NYC, SAMUEL ROXY ROTHAFEL OPENS THE ROXY THEATRE.

Because it's easier to say than "I'm going to the Rothafel Theatre."

1931:  BUSINESSMAN RUPERT MURDOCH IS BORN.

Headline for all of us on the front page of the NY Post:  "WE DON'T CARE."

1941:  PRESIDENT FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT SIGNS THE LEND-LEASE ACT INTO LAW, ALLOWING AMERICAN-BUILT WAR SUPPLIES TO BE SHIPPED TO ALLIES ON LOAN.

Winston Churchill:  "It's about freakin' time."

1942:  GENERAL DOUGLAS MACARTHUR FLEES CORREGIDOR.

Not returning there, that's for sure.

1955:  BUSINESSMAN OSCAR MAYER DIES.

Today, I don't wish I was him.

1956:  BUSINESSMAN JOEY BUTTAFUOCO IS BORN.

Businessman and wife beater.

1958:  ACTRESS ANISSA JONES IS BORN.

Buffy!

1970:  AUTHOR ERLE STANLEY GARDNER DIES.

The Case of the Dead Author.

1975: NORTH VIETNAMESE AND VIET CONG GUERRILLA FORCES ESTABLISH CONTROL OVER BAN ME THUOT.

Fuk Me Now.

1983:  PAKISTAN SUCCESSFULLY CONDUCTS A TEST OF A NUCLEAR WEAPON.  

I mean, don't you have to blow something up to see if this works?

1993:  JANET RENO IS CONFIRMED BY THE US SENATE AS THE FIRST FEMALE ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE US.

They confirmed her for the job or they confirmed that she was indeed a woman?

1996:  ACTOR VINCE EDWARDS DIES.

Man, woman, birth, death, me.

2007:  ACTRESS BETTY HUTTON DIES.

Annie Get Your Casket.

Dinner last night:  Leftover pork chops and vegetables.