This Date in History - March 9

 

Boy, when I was a kid, I can only imagine where my G.I. Joe would go on leave.  Probably to the doll collection of the girl next door. 

141 BC:  EMPEROR WU ASSUMES THE THRONE OVER THE HAN DYNASTY OF CHINA.

Wu hoo!

1009:  FIRST KNOWN MENTION OF LITHUANIA IN THE ANNALS OF THE MONASTERY OF QUEDLINBURG.

Prior to this date, the word "Lithuania" was merely whispered in back alleys.

1276:  AUGSBURG BECOMES AN IMPERIAL FREE CITY.

Okay, so what kind of margarine did Augsburg use?

1566:  DAVID RIZZIO, PRIVATE SECRETARY TO MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS, IS MURDERED IN THE PALACE OF HOLYROODHOUSE, EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND.

A high price to pay for forgetting to staple something.  But, I guess it's "hooray for Holyrood."

1568:  ITALIAN SAINT ALOYSIUS GONZAGA IS BORN.

Doesn't his college basketball team always show up in the NCAA brackets?

1765:  AFTER A CAMPAIGN BY THE WRITER VOLTAIRE, JUDGES IN PARIS POSTHUMOUSLY EXONERATE JEAN CALAS OF MURDERING HIS SON.  CALAS HAD BEEN TORTURED AND EXECUTED IN 1762 ON THE CHARGE, THOUGH HIS SON MAY HAVE ACTUALLY COMMITTED SUICIDE.

And you thought the Jackson family was fucked up?

1796:  NAPOLEON BONAPARTE MARRIES HIS FIRST WIFE, JOSSEPHINE DE BEAUHARNAIS.

"Okay, if you want to put the ring on her finger, you're gonna have to take your hand out of your shirt."

1842:  GIUSEPPE VERDI'S THIRD OPERA, "NABUCCO," RECEIVES ITS PREMIERE PERFORMANCE IN MILAN. 

His fourth opera was a sequel entitled "Keebler."

1842:  THE FIRST DOCUMENTED DISCOVERY OF GOLD IN CALIFORNIA.

Back when the state had money.  That didn't last long.

1856:  ENTERTAINER EDDIE FOY IS BORN.

We know he and his wife had sex at least seven times.

1896:  PRIME MINISTER FRANCESCO CRISPI RESIGNS FOLLOWING THE ITALIAN DEFEAT AT THE BATTLE OF ADOWA.

Crispi's leadership got stale.

1916:  PANCHO VILLA LEADS NEARLY 500 MEXICAN RAIDERS IN AN ATTACK AGAINST COLUMBUS, NEW MEXICO.

I swear this happened again last week.

1921:  ACTOR CARL BETZ IS BORN.

Judd!  For the defense!

1933:  PRESIDENT FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT SUBMITS THE EMERGENCY BANKING ACT TO CONGRESS.

The very first stimulus plan.  It did FDR no good.  He couldn't feel anything from the waist down.

1934:  RUSSIAN ASTRONAUT AND THE FIRST HUMAN IN SPACE, YURI GAGARIN, IS BORN.

This news pissed off a couple of chimps.  Meanwhile, Yuri's wife was royalty.  Lady Gagarin.

1954:  CBS TELEVISION BROADCASTS THE "SEE IT NOW" EPISODE ON SENATOR JOSEPH MCCARTHY. 

Charlie's brother...and the real dummy in the family.

1959:  THE BARBIE DOLL MAKES ITS DEBUT AT THE AMERICAN INTERNATIONAL TOY FAIR IN NEW YORK.

The first anoxeric role model for children.

1977:  IN A THIRTY-NINE HOUR STANDOFF, ARMED HANAFI MUSLIMS SEIZE THREE WASHINGTON DC BUILDINGS, KILLING TWO AND TAKING 149 HOSTAGE.

I swear this happened again last week.

1989:  A STRIKE FORCES FINANCIALLY-TROUBLED EASTERN AIR LINES INTO BANKRUPTCY.

The first time I ever flew was on Eastern.  I guess my business wasn't enough to keep them afloat.

1992:  PRIME MINISTER OF ISRAEL, MENACHEM BEGIN, DIES.

He had only just begin.

1996:  ACTOR/COMIC GEORGE BURNS DIES AT THE AGE OF 100.

Say goodnight, George.

2010:  DODGER PLAYER WILLIE DAVIS DIES.

He never recovered from making three errors in one inning of a World Series game.

2021:  JOURNALIST ROGER MUDD DIES.

What do you get when water seeps into your grave?

Dinner last night:  Leftover ham.