Help Wanted, Bronx, New York

With Joe Torre's departure, the field manager job of the New York Yankees is available for the first time in twelve years. Since the front office must be admittedly out of practice when it comes to finding suitable candidates to be Joe's replacement, I assume they will be using one of those career search engines like Hotjobs or Monster.com. They probably need some help in filling out the job specs. Let me assist.

Job Qualifications: Must understand the sport of baseball. Those using the Dodgers' Grady Little as a benchmark need not apply.

Past Experience Preferred: Should have appeared at least once at a Yankees Oldtimers Game. Non-drinkers requested only. Candidate must make available recent PSA screening with a score of 2 or less. Candidate should also have past experience working in bug-infested environs.

Job Responsibilities:

1. Must be available to manage team for all 162 games per season. Any health issues should be addressed only during spring training.

2. Must be able to recite the names of all 73 New York Yankees who have had their uniform numbers retired.

3. Must be willing to contribute monetarily to a monthly floral display for Monument Park.

4. Must be able to understand that, when the owner calls on the dugout phone during the game and tells you "akfdjfqie pirya rfedaqw," it means to change the pitcher.

5. Must be willing to share dinner once a week with John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman. If you are seated in proximity to Mr. Sterling, protective bibs will be provided.

6. Must commit to taking Yankee public address announcer Bob Shepherd to the super market one Saturday morning per month. Candidate should understand that it is not appropriate to giggle when Mr. Shepherd, in the middle of the A&P, announces "Aisle # 5, Canned Peaches, Del Monte, Aisle # 5."

7. Must be able to understand that, when the owner calls on the dugout phone during the game and says "bghjmnasde ac hpilkjpow," it means the next batter must bunt.

8. Must not be easily offended if tapioca is thrown at you.

9. Must realize that there is crying in baseball. (See # 5, Dinner with Ms. Waldman)

10. Should be prepared to get through a season with a bullpen comprised of one future Hall of Famer and four other pitchers culled from the cast of "Artie Lange's Beer League."

11. Must not be easily unnerved when your boss wears his underwear on top of his business suit.

12. Should be ready to accept responsibility for everything that goes wrong and receive no credit for everything that goes right.

13. Should not laugh out loud when the owner suggests you hire Babe Ruth as your bench coach.

Hours: Various. Generally four to five per day. Could be more on days when Mike Mussina is pitching. One 30 minute nap/break allowed when Ronan Tynan sings during the seventh inning stretch.

Salary: Negotiable. Starting pay will be reduced by a sliding scale of 33 percent per year. At the end of the fourth season, candidate will be paying the Yankees to work here.

Dinner last night: Bang Bang Chicken and Shrimp at the Cheesecake Factory.