The Heartbeat of America

My family didn't take a lot of pictures. I always thought the practice was a little odd. Until, of course, I saw photos of other families and people. I now think my parents were geniuses to avoid it all.

The pictures below are hilarious and each and every one screams just one thing.

What the hell were you thinking?????

Like the girl on the right. Doris Day of the Omaha Country Day School. You just know that Mom was mixing tapioca in the same bowl she used for this kid's haircut.

And take these two goofballs in the glass. Back on their wedding day, they could fit in this goblet. Now, they probably can't fit into their pants.

Can you picture your family posing for a Beatles album cover? I can't, but these idiots did. It would actually be frightening to see this hanging in somebody's dining room over Thanksgiving dinner. Celebrating a holiday with "The Damned."

Look at these dorks. Now, my rhetorical question is the following. What takes this mom and dad longer? Taking the boys to the barber or Lenscrafters? They look like some clones from a science lab and they exclusively used DNA from Wink Martindale.

Of course, the family on the right is another story. Dad must be one bitchin' stud. Mom apparently has been on her back for the past ten years. Kids are sliding down her birth canal like it's a Volkswagen full of clowns at the circus.

And then, last but certainly least, there's this bunch of morons.

They're a scream at parties. At least, those parties they're invited to. I can hear the conversation. "Gee, let's all put on funny hats and make faces." Guffaw, guffaw. You just know they all hate Blacks, gays, Jews, and anyone not born in Kansas. Please pave the state ASAP.

Dinner last night: Lasagna.