Paul Lynde to Block

A terrific summer memory for me was getting to be home to watch the old "Hollywood Squares" daytime game show. And it just reinforced for me the thought that Paul Lynde was absolutely brilliant. Now, we've heard since then that a lot of these zingers were scripted for him. Who the hell cares? Damn funny stuff. And, without his delivery, the jokes may not work. As I read these, I can't believe how many one-liners were so risque. And how many of them I probably didn't get when I was a kid.

I got to interview him for WFUV at one point, and I should really think about sharing that story here. In the meantime, remember and enjoy!

Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?

Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?

Peter Marshall: Will a goose help warn you if there's an intruder on your property?

Paul Lynde: There's no better way!

Peter Marshall: In "Alice in Wonderland", who kept crying "I'm late, I'm late?"

Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?

Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?

Paul Lynde: They're so cold!

Peter Marshall: What is a pullet?

Paul Lynde: A little show of affection...

Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn't true. What?

Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence...

Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White...was she a blonde or a brunette?

Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure...

Peter Marshall: Promethius was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?

Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "good will mission," but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place?

Paul Lynde: Pat's room.

Peter Marshall: True or false, cow's horns are used to make ice cream.

Paul Lynde: You mean those weren't chocolate chips?

Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose"cattle good for that other cattle aren't?

Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.

Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...

Peter Marshall: Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?

Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...

Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?

Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on...

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?

Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.

Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels...

Peter Marshall: It used to be called "9-pin." What's it called today?

Paul Lynde: Foreplay!

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?

Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse?

Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka.

Peter Marshall: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?

Paul Lynde: They are cute.

Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what?

Paul Lynde: A headboard.

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?

Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.

Peter Marshall: In one state, you can deduct $5 from a traffic ticket if you show the officer...what?

Paul Lynde: A ten dollar bill.

Peter Marshall: Experts say you should avoid sex immediately after...what?

Paul Lynde: Surgery.

Peter Marshall: True or false, each generation of Americans has been about an inch taller than the previous generation...

Paul Lynde: That makes Robert Conrad an antique!

Peter Marshall: It's well known that small amounts of female hormones are found in the male body. Are male hormones ever found in the female body?

Paul Lynde: Occasionally.

Peter Marshall: In the "Wizard of Oz," the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?

Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.

Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it "our great hope in a confusing and ever-changing world." What is it?

Paul Lynde: Pampers.

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team?

Paul Lynde: Oh, about half.

Peter Marshall: What should you do if you're going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out?

Paul Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?

Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!

Peter Marshall: True or false...a shipment of the Pill was recently recalled because they were actually sugar pills...

Paul Lynde: Does this mean all of the babies born in November will have pimples?

Peter Marshall: We've all heard the old phrase "A pig in a poke." What is a poke?

Paul Lynde: It's when you're not really in love.

Peter Marshall: Paul, Zsa Zsa Gabor says she never ever swims with her face in the water. Why?

Paul Lynde: It clogs the drain.

Peter Marshall: Paul, Broderick Crawford says that he is often mistaken for....

Paul Lynde: A dump truck.

Dinner last night: Pepperoni sandwich.