From several thousand to 24 to 12 to now 5. "American Idol" in Season 7 has continued the usual formula of finding the next mediocre pop star. And, now they have whittled it down to the quintet pictured above.
It's been the usual year of bad song choices and surprising ousters. Personally, I thought that the recently beheaded Michael Johns and Carly Smithson would be part of the final three, but, as usually happens on Idol, the older you are, the less chance you have of winning it all. Because, when it comes right down to the weekly vote, the show's core audience of teenage girls trumps all other voting blocs. They find the one who really melts their Hershey's Kisses and keep hitting "redial" on the phone all night. Keep in mind that "American Idol" is usually a family unit watch. So, I'd be surprised if Mom, Dad, Nana, and little brother Johnny don't do as heading-out-of-middle-school Sally dictates. The path of least resistance. Heck, if I had a 14 year-old girl in my household, I'd be looking to keep her quiet, too.
So, with Gidgets all over ruling the roost, any Idol finalists between the ages of 24 and 29 might as well keep their suitcases half packed at all times. You might sound like Judy Garland or Frank Sinatra in their hey day. But, if you're approaching 30, you are shit-canned as fast as their little teenaged fingers can hit those digits. When you add in some other factors that might be turnoffs to the youth of America, you should definitely keep that cab running outside of the Idoldrome. For instance, Carly's rather grossly tattooed arm had me screaming for a long sleeve referendum every week. If it weirds me out, just think of the Tiger Beat subscriber base tuned into the show somewhere in Bumfuk, Iowa. Sadly, Carly was the best vocalist this year, but middle America obviously has an aversion to any extensive inking that is not on somebody at your local truck stop.
So, we are left with the bunch above. Their continued presence on the show, albeit warranted by talent in some cases, is directly attributed to the teenage viewer. Let's take a snapshot (going from left to right in the photo above):
Jason Castro: The goofy kid with the dreadlocks and a pair of eyes that anybody would want to rip out of his sockets and replace in their own. Hell, even I think the kid is cute. But, as alluring as his gaze is, he's equally as stupid. Jason is this year's token Idol who has probably spent the most time in special education classes. Let's face it. He told guest mentor Andrew Lloyd Webber that he had never heard of the song "Memory" or the musical "Cats." Then, this 18-year-old went ahead and mangled it, completely ignoring the fact that it was written for a woman over 40. The kids love him, though, but that probably won't be enough. Either next week or the week after, he will be shipped back home to his collection of string from all nations.
Brooke White: The blonde who, like Jason, has been playing with house money for the past 3 weeks. I actually dig Brooke and, if we were much closer in age, we would probably be sharing a charge account at Ikea right now. Brooke's musical specialty is really a throwback to Carole King or Carly Simon, and that's not a bad thing. But, at the same time, Brooke has proven to be a bit overemotional. She cries a lot and that's coming from a guy who has been sobbing out loud everytime the Dodgers' Andruw Jones comes to the plate with two runners in scoring position. Brooke always seems to be tighter than Desi Arnaz' conga drum and that has resulted in two separate times where she had to start a song over. Even the usually super-soft Paula Abdul couldn't excuse those mental glitches. As cute as she is, Brooke is overmatched, but the teenage girls have kept her around because she has this Disney princess look. You expect to see her trolling around the Sleeping Beauty castle looking for tourists with digital cameras. Brooke just might last into the last 3 finalists, but her number will be called no later than that. Meanwhile, she can call my number anytime.
David Cook: I never really liked beatboxing Blake Lewis last year, and I have developed a similar dislike for David Cook this season. Don't get me wrong. He has steadily improved his performances every single week. And now he actually does run a comb through his hair at least once a day. The judges have fawned over his original interpretations of other peoples' hits. But, indeed, he is essentially been copying somebody else's cover of somebody else's cover, so he's not exactly that groundbreaking. Nevertheless, when he does straight singing, he's quite good. Unintentionally, he's been getting a lot of sympathy votes. One week, he's rushed to Cedars-Sinai because his blood pressure went sky high after a performance. Then, he drags out his half-brother, stricken with a malignant brain tumor, and plops him down in the audience right next to Teri Hatcher. David is destined to be one of the two finalists on the Nokia stage and just may win. While teenage girls don't look at David as the guy they would bring home to meet Dad, they do secretly fantasize about him being the dude on the motorcycle who forgot to bring his condoms.
Syesha Mercado: Unlike the fight for the Democratic nomination, Black votes don't count for shit on Idol. Ironically, Syesha's performances have gotten better week after week. Ultimately, her future is probably on Broadway as she might be destined to be a Black Bernadette Peters. As if having a White Bernadette Peters wasn't bad enough. Nevertheless, she has generally wound up in the bottom 3 vote getters for several weeks and she always received a last minute reprieve, since the teenage girl audience has never really identified with a Black girl on TV since Tootie lost her braces on "The Facts of Life." I am guessing that, within the next two shows, the governor of Idol State will not make the call in time and Syesha can start making tracks for some auditions in the Brill Building. I would suggest she make some definitive decisions with regard to her hair. When she dons a wig, she is quite captivating. When she goes with her own coiffure (as seen above), the only Broadway role she might score could be the lead in "Don King: The Musical."
David Archuleta: Every week that David continues in the Idol competition, you just know that people in his hometown are pissed. It's been that long since any of them have had their evening paper delivered correctly. David's the absolute ideal Idol of the teen set that dominates the audience. How many of these girls had their very first orgasm when David sang "Imagine?" Since his very first appearance, I was convinced that his silky smooth, yet pleasantly raspy song stylings would get him to the finals. Not that he doesn't have a downside. A lot of his song choices sound very much alike. Of course, this 17 year-old doesn't have a lot of life experience he can apply to singing. Let's face it, he would not be too convincing (or even appropriate) singing "Me and Missus Jones." And he supposedly has a stage father who could be the male version of Rose in "Gypsy." But, unless David comes out with tissues sticking out of his pants the next three weeks, he will be one of the two singers competing for the Idol title on the Nokia Theater stage.
Prediction: The final battles will be the Wars of the Davids. Cook Vs. Archuleta. For the teenage girl audience, it comes down to this. The bad boy Dad doesn't want to see vs. the good boy Dad approves of.
Is Idol more a popularity contest than a talent competition? Well, yes. There are ways they can modify this. Right now, phone voting is free. If they imposed a 50 cent surcharge on every call, it wouldn't be long before several Midwestern families applied for FEMA relief because little Jessica hit "redial" several hundred times. It certainly would minimize the teenage vote.
But, maybe that's the fun of it all. Because, as with everything in our nation these days, it all comes down to who you vote for.
Dinner last night: Muffalatta sandwich.
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