"Mop Please, Netflix Aisle # 3"

The absolute glory of the Netflix service is the ability to catch up on movies you have missed over time. My queue of future flicks is about 100 movies long and contains a mix of classics I have somehow missed and recent theatrical releases which I might have been interested in but didn't want to bother burning the gas to get to the theater. Sometimes, I find a gem amongst these selections. Other times, I discover that my original perception of the movie was correct and it was widely overrated.

And then there is "Ali." Although I was intrigued by the subject matter when this was first released about six or seven years ago, I never got around to plunking down the greenbacks to see it in the local multiplex. I put it on my Netflix queue about a year ago and finally it turned up in my mailbox.

I should have marked it "Address Unknown." To say this movie is utter garbage is an insult to dumpsters all across the United States. I am guessing rodents wouldn't even sniff at this piece of swill---certainly the worst biographical movie ever to be turned out by Hollywood. And that includes "The Babe Ruth Story" starring William Bendix.

I held on for "Ali"s entire two hours and thirty seven minutes and I am totally confused as to why. Perhaps, it is a penance that will get me fast tracked through the pearly gates. "You sat through "Ali? God welcomes you immediately." The movie was a complete disaster from opening frame to the very last mention of copyright infringement. As if anybody in their sanest of conditions would want to copy a single second of this dog poo. I wanted to scream to director Michael Mann, "Please curb your film!"

Where to start? "Ali" stars Will Smith and that's always a bad sign for any movie. This is one of those roles that the Stale Prince thought would grab him an Oscar. This hack of an actor is straining so hard to get the gold statue that you want to give him megadoses of Phillips Milk of Magnesia. Indeed, he did get nominated for this mess, but I am guessing that the jig was up when voters actually saw it. Now, Will Smith is a horrible actor on his best days and a deranged Scientologist on his worst days. As Muhammad Ali aka Cassius Clay, Smith approaches the role by adopting every exaggerated tic and mannerism that the boxer had. What results is more a Saturday Night Live sketch than a serious movie. Billy Crystal did a better impersonation of Ali years ago. Billy used to also do sportscaster Howard Cosell and he certainly could have given Jon Voight some tips as well since the latter plays the ABC pompous gasbag in "Ali." Voight wears a black bathmat on his head. Or is it a dead meerkat? Or is he channeling Fess Parker as Davy Crockett? Whatever the case, every time Voight is on screen, I couldn't forget for a moment how bad the headpiece looked. It's an ominous sign when you're paying more attention to the toupee than to the actor underneath it.

Of course, director Mann can't help but remind us of the glory that was Muhammad Ali. And the fact that he is Black and maligned. I was expecting to see Barack Obama's name on the credits as "Assistant Production Manager." The last third of the movie is spent in Africa as Ali boxes George Foreman there with that "rope-a-dope" nonsense. When you see how Foreman is pummeled in this movie, you know where the real guy got the idea how to tenderize boneless chicken breasts for his grill. This melee is all choreographed against African chants from frenzied natives who just adored the fact that Ali was there absorbing his familial roots, despite the fact that the boxer himself was born in Louisville, Kentucky. Johnny Weissmuller got closer to Africa on the backlot at MGM-Culver City.

As I watched "Ali," I thought even harder about the guy being glorified on the screen and realized this was revisionist history at its best. Muhammad Ali is widely regarded as one of the greatest athletes of the 20th Century. For Pete's sake, he was introduced as such when they carted him out to wander around the 1996 Summer Olympics in Atlanta. Yes, he had an impressive boxing record and is now allegedly this great philantrophist. But, I would also add that Ali/Clay was also a complete asshole, a criminal, a wife abuser, an adulterer, an ego-maniac, and a dirtbag. Plus he completely stole Nipsey Russell's nightclub act and that, to me, is a rephrensible act. But, because he took too many shots to the head and now needs a GPS system to pee into a toilet, all...or Ali...is forgiven. Even though I knew the outcome of the movie, I was still hoping and praying that one of the opposing boxers would kick the Velveeta right out of him.

"Ali." A loser by a TKO. When I put this red envelope into the mailbox, I was surprised that it didn't get spit back into the street.

Dinner last night: Dried cappacollo on sourdough bread.