Here we are in a new moviegoing year. And I am once again your consumer advocate for the dreck out there in the multiplexes. We’re in Oscar nomination season, so a lot of the marquees are displaying those flicks with golden aspirations. I’ve seen a lot of them and, with the aid of the Los Angeles Times, will tell you what deserves your attention and what deserves to be dropkicked to the Hollywood curb. Note from the picture above: I highly doubt "Yes Man" will be up for any major Academy Award.
Slumdog Millionaire: A major Oscar contender which still befuddles me. I get major stinkeye from people when they hear that I thoroughly despised everything about this movie. I didn’t give one shit about the story, the characters, or the Indian nation. And just the hell is a slumdog? This year’s contender for Most Overhyped Film.
Defiance: More Nazis, more Jews, and more genocide. And haven't we seen this movie about two dozen times? You want to do an original movie about the Holocaust? Set it to music with choreography by Tommy Tune. I actually was sitting behind director Edward Zwick on a November flight back to LA. I could tell it was him because his computer screensaver read "EDWARD ZWICK." I watched him look at clips from the movie. And, even in these short snippets, I was thoroughly bored and quickly went back to my Sudoku puzzle.
Doubt: Saw it. Well acted, badly directed. The subject matter was previously hashed out in this blog and friendships were temporarily damaged. Go at your own risk.
Last Chance Harvey: Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson connect in an airport coffee shop. That's funny because the only thing I ever find in there is usually an overpriced pack of chewing gum.
Not Easily Broken: Certainly not a movie about Nomar Garciaparra's playing career. I know nothing about this fil, except there's a Black couple in the ad.
Hotel for Dogs: Wait till the dogs meet up with all the bedbugs that have been infiltrating our hotels nationwide for the past two years.
Notorious: A remake of the Hitchcock classic? Nah. It's about rapper and hip hop icon Notorious B.I.G. Expect gunfights in the lobby when they run out of Jujyfruits.
The Wrestler: I saw this Mickey Rourke tour de force and it's hard to believe there is a Hollywood celebrity who has had more plastic surgery than Joan Rivers. It's entertaining, but tough to take. Don't go if you still believe that wrestling isn't fixed. Marisa Tomei recreates a dance number from "Swing Time," substituting a pole for Fred Astaire and her own skin for wardrobe.
Bedtime Stories: Adam Sandler still searching for an age group that he will appeal to. At some point, he will figure out that his target group of fans are pre-schoolers.
Waltz with Bashir: Already revered as this great film, it's an animated film about the conflict in the Middle East. I guess Pixar wasn't interested. Goy Story Part 2.
Bride Wars: Kate Hudson vs. Anne Hathaway over a wedding date. There is a rumor that a man was spotted in the audience last weekend. But, still, that's only a rumor. Even the trailer I saw was way too long.
Frost/Nixon: The best movie I saw in 2008. Go if you haven't yet.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: The best word-of-mouth I have heard is that it's "mediocre." Can any human being safely endure three hours of Brad Pitt? The cinematic version of waterboarding at Gitmo.
Revolutionary Road: If I want to watch married people fighting during the 50s, I have my family's photo slides.
Marley and Me: Saw it as a timekiller and that's what it should be for you as well. I have to tell you: when the dog licked Jennifer Aniston's face, I was a little envious.
Paul Blart, Mall Cop: Show of hands, please. Kevin James funny? Anybody? Anybody? Going once, going twice...
The Owl and the Sparrow: A runaway child, a zookeeper, and a flight attendant in Vietnam. Sounds like the beginnings of a very inappropriate joke.
My Bloody Valentine 3-D: I wonder if those stupid glasses will also help you to see gigantic holes in the plot. Happy-Go-Lucky: Although the lead actress will probably be Oscar nominated, the title for me should be "Me-Go-Unlikely." Valkyrie: Goosestepping with Tom Cruise. Even on screen, he has lunatic affiliations. Yes Man: Just who does go to Jim Carrey movies? Rachel Getting Married: A dismal family drama lingers around our multiplexes. Anne Hathaway will be nominated for an Academy Award, but who wants to go to a cinema and watch the same dysfunction they can get at home for free? Seven Pounds: Now when Will Smith finally makes a movie about coming out of the closet, I will be there. He and his goofy wife's sexual preferences are Hollywood's biggest secret according to my hair stylist. And she's never wrong. The Unborn: The Unseen. Che: This mess about the dictator is so long that theaters are showing it in two parts. And that's probably not the director's cut. Other than rodents, who wants to spend that much time with trash?
The Betrayal: All about some family that emigrated from Laos during the Vietnam war. Gee, if they put this on a double feature with "The Owl and the Sparrow," I can skip them both for the same price.
Milk: A pretty engrossing movie. And, surprisingly, it's also available in plastic containers in all supermarkets and grocery stores. Dinner last night: Salad bar at Gelson's.
4 comments:
Looks like another dry movie weekend unless some golden oldies are running.
John Sturges westerns at the Egyptian.
Possible. I'm Netflixing Westerns lately.
Slumdog Millionaire is clearly the best movie out this year. Better than Frost-Nixon. Milk sucks. Just a bunch of half-naked males slobbering all over each other for 50% of the film. In Hollywood, I feel sure it will beat out Slumdog for Best Picture at the Oscars....even though it surely doesn't deserve it. It's another way to protest Prop 8.
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