And The Tony Goes To...

When it comes to giving out awards and filling three hours of prime time, Broadway always gets it right. Each June, the Tony Awards are doled out at Radio City Music Hall and the show is always entertaining. Lots of great production numbers from current and revived shows. Plus the human drama provided by lots of bloated egos---some winners and lots of losers, all of whom having written potential acceptance speeches dedicated to their "life partner."

The sad thing is that the nationwide audience is probably no more than 250 people. And it's a lot less if there happens to be a power outage in West Hollywood. But, nevertheless, you can always count me in. I'm a New Yorker at heart and I can remember what a wonderful experience a good Broadway show can be. Of course, that was eons ago. My last few excursions on the Great White Way have offered up a lot of mediocrity. And, I always seem to wind up next to some tourist from Bumfuk, Iowa, with his hand deep down in a bag of Cheetos. Theater in New York has become nothing more than an extension of crazy Uncle Lou singing "Memories" down at the local VFW hall. It only promises to get worse. I learn during the Tony broadcast that the upcoming revival of "Bye Bye Birdie" will feature John Stamos in the Albert Peterson role originally created by Dick Van Dyke. Are we that far away from Julia-Louis Dreyfuss starring in "The Little Foxes?" Probably not and we move even closer to the creative apocalypse. But, I digress...

Since I had gone to the Sunday night Dodger game telecast on ESPN, I had to tape the Tony Awards. The show started at 8PM, but I began watching on TiVO around 9:25PM. How far behind was I? Not very, once you zap through all the commercials for bladder control and anti-depressants. I realize that the Tonys' target audience must be in the dining hall at some Bronx nursing home. And I was able to fast forward through stuff that is, well, fast forwardable. I watched production numbers from shows I was interested in, such as "Billy Elliot" (which I have seen) and "West Side Story." I zipped through scenes from shows I wouldn't be caught dead at, such as "Hair" and "Next to Normal." So, as a result, the actual telecast and the Len telecast ended at pretty much the same time. When my finger wasn't on the speed button, I managed to make these knee-jerk observations:

---Neil Patrick Harris should be made the lifetime host of the Tonys. He had the absolute perfect tone of reverence and humor. Plus he can sing, has been on Broadway, and is gay. There's probably a church named after him down on Christopher Street.

---Carrie Fisher was a presenter and talked about the toll it takes on a family when the mother is mentally ill. It took me two minutes to figure out she was really referring to the plot of a nominated drama.

---I know it's probably what the original show creators had in mind, but why does West Side Story's Maria always have to look so virginal and Anita always has to look like a whore at the Port Authority Bus Terminal?

---When I saw that Angela Lansbury was nominated, I knew she would win. Broadway doesn't miss opportunities to award longevity. Plus there's always a chance she can fall down on the stage, which I saw her do at the Hollywood Bowl a few years back. But, she is pure class and I have first hand knowledge because I once sat behind her on a cross-country flight and she didn't yell at the flight attendant when they ran out of Balsamic salad dressing.

---Liza Minnelli was up against Will Ferrell for Special Broadway Performance and that is the one time in my life I actually rooted for her. She won, too, despite the fact that her singing now sounds like she has a pretzel stuck in her bridgework.

---The three kids who alternate in the role of Billy Elliot won and it marked the first time more than one person has shared a single acting award. That's because Shirley McLaine has never been nominated for a Tony.

---The number they showed from the winning "Billy Elliot" is the one that I found most uncomfortable. The kid gyrates wildly across the stage and utters piercing cries of pain. It's as if he's being pistol whipped by Phil Spector.

---There's always one asshole who equates the winning of a Tony Award to a cry for world peace. This year, that moron was some chick named Alice Ripley who won an acting honor for some musical about a family with some bi-polarity. "I feel pretty. Oh, no, I don't!!" Anyway, Alice thought her Tony gave her license to scream out some quote from John F. Kennedy. She was so loud and shrill he probably heard it. You won an award. You didn't cure cancer. But, you might have made several people deaf.

---Constantine Maroulis, the most annoying American Idol finalist ever, was up for a Tony??? Read about what I said about the apocalypse and move one inch closer, please.

---The revival of "Hair" looks as dreadful as it did in its original incarnation. The way you cover up a lousy show is by making the actors remove their clothes.

---At one point, Liza was standing next to Shrek and I could see a resemblance.

---Bebe Neuwirth got to do the "In Memorium" bit, which was appropriate since she looked like death warmed over. Only Broadway would have the nerve to honor some talent agents who passed away in the past year. If they tried that during the Oscars, the dead agents would get the biggest hands. And it would not be applause of gratitude. "Woo hoo. Morris L. Scumbag died. It's about time."

---Since I was coming off a weekend of baseball watching, I could swear that one of those Tony factoids said "Jane Fonda is hitting .275 when the count is 0-2."

---How much of it is acting? James Gandolfini still looks like he wants to beat the shit out of somebody.

As they always say at the end of the Tonys, treat yourself. Go see a show. And, if you really want a challenge, try to go see a good one.

Dinner last night: Pork chop with chutney and wild rice at JiRaffe.