More social networking---this site devoted to creating that connection which will guarantee your employment until the day that Social Security runs out. It's a little like the previously-blogged-here Facebook, but a lot less silly. On the latter, I am often apprised to when friends are doing their laundry and/or reloading their toilet tanks with Vanish. At some point, some yokel will be letting me know what they had for dinner the night before. Ahem. Well, I digress...
Linked In entered my world about a year ago when I got sucked into the site. I joined and soon found connections to a bunch of people I used to work with. From time to time, I would be asked to provide a recommendation for somebody. Essentially a virtual job reference. And I would always do so because, frankly, I'm a nice guy and might need a reciprocal action down the road.
But, by and large, I pretty much ignore Linked In. Until a while back when a good friend of mine mentioned that he had been approached for a reference by somebody that used to work for me. No, scratch that. This was somebody who used to work for me and we fired. For poor performance. For insubordination. For bringing their latent insanity to the office every day and every week. It seems this person has gotten canned again from another company for similar reasons, although they have window-dressed to appear as if the slug was dismissed due to the ultra-hard economic times we are facing. Naturally, I counseled my friend to eschew a recommendation. More specifically, I suggested he tell the person to go fuck themselves, but there are probably kinder words to use. Indeed, there was no need for any: my friend has a policy of not endorsing people he has never worked with.
Nevertheless, the mere mention of my former colleague's name prompted me to check out their job profile on Linked In. And what I found contained fiction that even Charles Dickens couldn't conjure up. Because, under the job experience section where the person worked for me, I discovered that he/she pretty much had me working for them. I found some large ass declarations of corporate dollars being saved by procedures he/she put into place. I found the accomplishments of others being claimed solely as his/her achievement. I uncovered one fabrication after another. Essentially, this person had become Jesus Christ himself/herself.
I thought about this psychotic loon who had driven us all crazy. When he/she lists the effective tutelege and training of two younger colleagues, I remember that both of those kids came to me separately and privately to tell me that they could no longer work for him/her. I recalled the absolute fear we all had of coming to work. Like a family member coming home and hoping against hope that their alcoholic mother/father hadn't been hitting the Jim Beam all day. When news got around the building that said person had been "dispatched," one department played "Ding Dong The Witch is Dead" over their phone system. One other associate suggested that I be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Yet, on Linked In, my ex-employee has turned water into wine and back again.
And I thought long and hard about all the other folks trying to sell their expertise and work credentials on Linked In. How much of it is real? How much of it is Memorex? Is Obama using Linked In to vett his Cabinet picks because that could explain a lot. But, then I think about all the modifications and enhancements Linked In could make to their service. Imagine if you could type your bogus experience into the site and then it tells you, "Sorry, that's a freakin' lie. Please try again." If only technology could bring us to that wonderful juncture.
Hell, what would stop me? I could easily upload my "past experience." Two years as a stage hand of "A Chorus Line" at the Shubert Theater in NY. Five seasons executive producing "Frasier." Now, the incumbent Senator from Hawaii. In a longterm relationship with Valerie Bertinelli and, yes, the Jenny Craig diet plan is still working, thank you very much. How different is that trip down Pinocchio's nose from what my former colleague has done?
I looked closely at the Linked In site to see if there was a place to upload a non-recommendation.
"Hire this person and your hair will fall out in clumps within the week."
"If you're not homicidal yet, you will be soon."
"An elevator shaft can be your friend."
Sadly, there was no such spot on the Linked In site.
But, like my thoughts of sharing a low calorie Salisbury steak with Valerie, I can dream, can I not?
Dinner last night: German salami sandwich at the NY abode.
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