Your Weekend Movie Guide for June 2010

The good news about the movie business these days is that you can do one of these weekend movie guides on either coast and still find the same shit.

The photo above is another childhood memory long gone. I was in this theater to see "The Longest Day" with my dad. I think it's a McDonald's now.

And here's some of the chopped chuck that you'll find at the local multiplex near you. The drill works the same here in NY as it does when I write it up in LA. I'll sift through the newspaper movie pages and give you my slapdash, kneejerk reaction to the crap unspooling on our screens. By and large, garbage stinks just the same, regardless of the time zone.

Sex and the City 2: It's been out several weeks and I doubt that it's gotten any better. The only reason why a guy should see this movie is if he wants to write a snarky blog entry.

Get Him to the Greek: More vile comedy for the mentally underage. With Jonah Hill and Russell Brand, who might be one of the most offensive comics working today. It got positive reviews and that's another hallmark that tells me critics no longer can judge film comedies.

Prince of Persia, the Sands of Time: Here's a handy barometer to use when judging movies to see. If the title sounds like a history essay question, don't bother.

The Karate Kid: A needless remake of a perfectly mediocre movie the first time around. I must admit to being a fan of the Ralph Macchio/Pat Morita version. This time, Will Smith trucks out his kid to add to the family fortune. Meanwhile, the fact that the Smiths have a child at all is a miracle. Given that Dad is gay and Mom is a lesbian. Or so says most hair stylists in Los Angeles, including mine.

Iron Man 2: I saw it. Not as good as the first one, but have no fear. There will probably be about two dozen more.

The A-Team: A C-movie. I can think of about ten other TV shows that deserve to go to the big screen ahead of this piece of junk. But I might be alone in hoping to see "One Day at a Time: The Movie."

Shrek Forever After: I saw the first two and have not bothered to approach the third. Perhaps, it's because neither of the other movies stayed with me more than five minutes after they ended. I know Shrek is some big green thing. Other than that, it's all forgotten.

Toy Story 3: I will be there to see it at the El Capitan in Hollywood as soon as the crowds of squealing children thin out. Can I humbly suggest that theaters make it available in an evening "adults-only" showing. I love this franchise. The only thing I ever enjoyed Tom Hanks in.

Marmaduke: With Owen Wilson in the title role. And people wonder why he tried to commit suicide.

Splice: Adrien Brody creates a chicken-legged humanoid. Which begs the question...what came first, the chicken or the humanoid?

Solitary Man: Michael Douglas as a NY car dealer making a mess of his life. Frankly, I'd like to see a documentary. Michael Douglas playing himself and making a mess of his son.

Robin Hood: Russell Crowe joins a long line of actors who have played this role. Given that the original, Errol Flynn, was the best, there never should have been a long line in the first place. Hollywood continues to amaze me with their complete lack of new ideas.

Joan Rivers - A Piece of Work: Indeed she is. I saw this last weekend and it is a remarkable snapshot of a talent who is insecure, driven, pathetic, and brilliant all at once. I've always been a fan. I've seen her live probably a half dozen times. I was never disappointed. But, admittedly, Joan can be quite polarizing. But who else would call somebody the day after 9/11 and ask if they should go have lunch at Windows on the Ground?

Jonah Hex: What could be possibly worse than a Josh Brolin western? Probably one starring his father.

Coco Chanel and Igor Stravinsky: Something tells me this is not a comedy starring Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher. Yawn.

Killers: This is a comedy starring Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher. Double yawn.

Cyrus: Here's your second chance this weekend to avoid a comedy starring Jonah Hill. Please take it.

Ondine: Colin Farrell as a fisherman who discovers a possible mermaid. There's already a Black remake being filmed as we speak in the Gulf of Mexico.

Micmacs: Those little statues my mother had around the house. No, wait, those were knick knacks. In that case, I got nothing.

Letters to Juliet: Sending it back postage due.

The Killer Inside Me: Casey Affleck as a murderous smalltown sheriff. With OJ Simpson as Deputy Barney Fife.

Dinner last night: Roast beef with German potato salad and cole slaw.