If I Tweeted - December 2012

Even though I have an account, I don't tweet.  But I update on Facebook all the time and here's what I would have tweeted this past month.

#LenSpeaks  David Wright is now a lifetime Met.  And follows the career of Ernie Banks.  Good player, nice guy, never to play in a World Series.

#LenSpeaks  They have lifetime salary.  Better health benefits than me.  So how come my mailman can't get here before 6PM?

#LenSpeaks   The postman on our route has to be over 70.  He moves slower than Ed Kranepool.  And looks like Mr. Bojangles.

#LenSpeaks  Homeland has the amazing ability to make my jaw drop every week.

#LenSpeaks  On a flight from LAX to JFK, I am suggesting a new passenger classification for American Airlines.  TFTF.  To Fat To Fly.

#LenSpeaks  Did you ever think, Chubby, that it might not be the seat width?

#LenSpeaks  You know you're in New York when Mr. G the Weatherman tells you to "schlep" the umbrella.

#LenSpeaks  It's a holiday season miracle.  Carlo's Restaurant in Yonkers has remembered how to make sausage and peppers.  I need no other presents, thank you.

#LenSpeaks  Zach Greinke is a Dodger!  My spare season tickets go on sale January 15.  Call me now.  Avoid the rush.

#LenSpeaks  The Dodgers also spend a fortune on some Korean pitcher named Ryu.  As in "ham on ryu."  Which you can no longer get at the Stage Deli in NY because it's closing.

#LenSpeaks  I don't know if I can psychologically handle being the fan of a baseball team that actually spends money.

#LenSpeaks  When I hear about the "fiscal cliff," I keep thinking about Wile E. Coyote standing on one of those rock ledges hanging in mid air.

#LenSpeaks  Obama keeps saying the government may have to shut down.  If you look at my mailman, it already has.

#LenSpeaks  If things needs to fall off a cliff, I suggest that we start with every politician in Washington DC.

#LenSpeaks  Meanwhile, the President and his family will spend four million tax dollars on a Hawaiian Christmas vacation.  That cliff he's looking at is Diamond Head.

#LenSpeaks  So that disgusting Bill Maher calls Andy Williams "a teabag idiot."  At Christmastime no less.

#LenSpeaks  The only time that I will watch any TV show with Maher is when HBO televises his funeral.

#LenSpeaks  Dealing with Verizon and phone repair issues in New York.  Can somebody explain why I cannot communicate directly with a communications company?

#LenSpeaks  Apparently, there are no weight restrictions to work for TSA at JFK Airport.

#LenSpeaks  Ha ha.  No free feel for you, sucker.  I am TSA-Pre Screened and get to go right through.  

#LenSpeaks  Flight attendants deserve national medals for dealing with the slobs that fly our airlines.

#LenSpeaks  Looking at the horror in Newtown, Connecticut, it's a re-affirmation that this world sucks.

#LenSpeaks  After a day of watching this violent agony, I go out to the movies.  Where every trailer is loaded with violence.  

#LenSpeaks   Amidst all the hand wringing over gun control, it's depressing to see movie audience salivate when they see the trailer for "Django Unchained" by Quentin Tarantino.  Two-faced bastards.

#LenSpeaks  America, it's time to take a good long look into the mirror.

#LenSpeaks  I love some of my jackass friends on Facebook waxing poetic on gun control laws.  The same people that were cutting history and civics classes in college.

#LenSpeaks  I treated myself to an emergency survival backpack for Christmas.  I am ready for the big earthquake.  Or more likely anarchy in the streets a year from now.

#LenSpeaks  A sad realization.  Christmas trees don't decorate themselves.

#LenSpeaks  How come I'm just a little disappointed that the Mayans were wrong?

#LenSpeaks  So, I guess it's really "Apocalypse Later."

#LenSpeaks  Future note to self: don't schedule a 815AM dental appointment the morning after a Christmas party.

#LenSpeaks  Although gin can do just as well as novocaine.

#LenSpeaks  How come Santa Claus has never been shot in a home invasion robbery?

#LenSpeaks  RIP Jack Klugman.  One of the folks responsible for a great classic TV sitcom.  Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

#LenSpeaks  And the annual Yuletide death cavalcade continues.  Goodbye, Charles Durning.  You were on a flight with me several years ago.  I don't think that's what killed you, though.

Dinner last night:  Roast beef French Dip at Philippe's.