So, it's okay to go see a flick this weekend and let me help you. You know the drill, gang. I'll flip through the Los Angeles Times movie pages and give you my gut wrench reaction to what's out there unspooling at the Arclight and a theater near you.
Have some Raisinets on me.
Zero Dark Thirty: What? Osama Bin Laden is dead? Where have I been? This is the film that allegedly had access to Obama's secret files. We learn how they caught Bin Laden and also how he did his NCAA bracket picks last March.
Jack Reacher: Tom Cruise fights a sniper. I'm rooting for the gunman.
This is 40: Just when you think there's a month without a Paul Rudd movie, voila. This movie has Oscar buzz. Despite the presence of Paul Rudd.
The Guilt Trip: Barbra Streisand and Josh Rogen. I can't think of two better reasons to stay completely clear of this mess.
Not Fade Away: David Chase of "Sopranos" fame gives us a Sicilian slice-of-life from New Jersey in the 60s. No mobsters in this one. And hopefully the screen doesn't fade to black at the end.
Hyde Park on Hudson: Seen it and was quite disappointed. I'm a huge follower of the Roosevelt era in America. The fact that the filmmakers turned something so fascinating into ninety minutes of tedium is confounding.
Monsters Inc. in 3-D: Everything is ultimately re-released so we can see it with those clunky glasses on. I can't wait to see what they do with "The Miracle Worker."
Parental Guidance: Strictly for those who find Billy Crystal hysterical. Come on, you know who you are, you two.
The Hobbit: Since I passed on all those Lord of the Rings movies, I might as well keep my streak going. Especially since some versions of the film are run as this different clip which makes audiences nauseous.
The Impossible: One family's encounter with that tsunami of several years back. Instead of spending their vacation in some armpit several oceans away, perhaps they should have opted for a nearby Six Flags theme park.
Les Miserables: No, this is not a documentary about the New York Mets the past three seasons. It's the long-awaited screen adaptation of the legendary Broadway musical based on the renowned novel by Victor Hugo. Try saying that five times fast.
Flight: Still lingering around theaters. Critics loved it. Audiences hated it. And Denzel Washington hangs around like a termite that just won't die.
Django Unchained: The same idiots who are yakking it up about stricter gun control laws are eagerly awaiting this likely-to-be-dreadful shoot 'em up from the despicable Quentin Tarantino. So don't complain to me when your kid's school is shot up.
The Sessions: There's a review from me coming soon. Been hanging in the queue for over a month. I better post it before the damn movie hits DVD.
Lincoln: For a movie that was so anxiously awaited, I hear little buzz about it. Oh, it will get plenty of Oscar recognition. But I was a little disappointed by it and I am guessing other moviegoers were as well.
Cirque Du Soleil in 3D: I guess with those glasses on, those acrobats' leotards are even tighter.
Silver Linings Playbook: Almost fatally quirky, but, for some weird reason, I enjoyed this film. And you should see it simply because Robert DeNiro finally does some real acting for the first time in a decade.
Rise of the Guardians: Followed by the "Lowering of My Eyelids."
Anna Karenina: Sounds like one of those movies that comes with an essay question.
On the Road: Jack Kerouac's tale of a couple of beatniks going cross country. And you probably thought Charles Kuralt was in this.
Barbara: A doctor working in 1980s East Germany finds herself banished to a small country hospital. Von Gray's Anatomy.
Promised Land: A salesman for a natural gas company experiences life-changing events after arriving in a small town, where his corporation wants to tap into the available resources. From director Gus Van Sant and renowned phony do-gooder Matt Damon. Probably a dull film, but a great lecture.
Life of Pi: Reviewed here several weeks ago. Not my slice of life.
Hitchcock: This look at the legendary director meanders a bit. And we learn a lot about his wife which we didn't have to know. Anthony Hopkins looks less like Hitchcock and more like character actor John McGiver.
Amour: A documentary about the processed meat giant. No, wait, read this wrong. It's a French tale about a long marriage. I like my idea better.
Playing for Keeps: A senseless romantic comedy that I went to see to escape on the day of the recent school shootings. And for that I am eternally grateful to this movie.
Skyfall: The best James Bond in year despite the presence of Daniel Craig.
Argo: An entertaining nailbiter that inexplicably comes from director Ben Affleck who just might have some talent.
Wreck-It Ralph: Disney animation about some characters in 80s video arcade games. I would be completely lost.
West of Memphis: Another hand wringing documentary about the failure of our court system in Arkansas. As if anybody really lives there.
Rust and Bone: Oh, look, they made a movie about my knees.
Dinner last night: Leftover Christmas ham and vegetables.
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