If I Tweeted - September 2014

I don't, you know.   But if I did, this is what I would have tweeted this month.

#LenSpeaks   Don't you want to know the real story why Jerry Lewis no longer does a Labor Day telethon?

#LenSpeaks   Did he piss off one of those kids?  Or got caught with his hand in the till?  Where is Rona Barrett when you need her?

#LenSpeaks  When I was a kid, I thought Labor Day was a holiday to honor pregnant women.

#LenSpeaks  More heads come off in the Middle East.  That's got to be a killer for hat sales.

#LenSpeaks  Remember when Isis was a Saturday morning comic book hero?

#LenSpeaks  For my money, the entire Middle East should be leveled and used as a parking lot for Rome.

#LenSpeaks  Hmm, I wonder if those dirtbags can monitor this blog.  Hey, who are you and what's that pointy object next to my throat?

#LenSpeaks  It's been reported that 10% of all Americans come to work high.  I think that estimate is low.

#LenSpeaks   I'm also convinced that a lot of our business world right now is run by undiagnosed cases of attention deficit disorders.

#LenSpeaks  And that includes most of the top levels of the Federal Government.  Except for Joe Biden who pays attention to nothing.

#LenSpeaks  I ran into the Miss America contest and it's back in Atlantic City.

#LenSpeaks   I remember watching this as a kid and picking out my choice to win. 

#LenSpeaks  And then seeing my pick bomb during the talent competition by demonstrating the correct way to pack clothes in a suitcase.

#LenSpeaks  Try and find a movie to see this weekend.  I dare you.

#LenSpeaks  Hollywood had a lackluster summer at the box office.  They're trying to figure out why.

#LenSpeaks  Raising my hand.  BAD MOVIES!!

#LenSpeaks  Joan Rivers' joke files may go to the Smithsonian.  So, people can see on display a line like...

#LenSpeaks  "I got an obscene phone call.  I told him, 'Hang on, I have something on the stove.'"

#LenSpeaks  And..."I took Elizabeth Taylor to Sea World to see Shamu the Whale.  Liz asked if that came with vegetables."

#LenSpeaks   Joan is being acknowledged now as a genius.  Something I knew 25 years ago.

#LenSpeaks  For my money, Justin Turner is one of the top three MVPs on the Dodger team this year.

#LenSpeaks  And is it me or does Hunter Pence look like a mental patient?

#LenSpeaks  Great line by Vin Scully in a game where Kershaw was sweating like crazy: "He looks like he just got off a raft."

#Len Speaks  Met and Yankee announcers are selling season ticket plans in 2015.  Meanwhile, the Dodgers now have a season ticket wait list.

#LenSpeaks  The Dodgers clinched the Western division on the same date the Mets clinched in 1969.  I'm just sayin'.

#LenSpeaks  Derek Jeter is retiring?  I guess I've missed practically everything.

#LenSpeaks  Such overkill.  I think Michael Kay will still be talking about Jeter on Christmas morning.

#LenSpeaks  I'm wondering which Yankee goes on their farewell tour in 2015.  Smart money's on Francisco Cervelli.

#LenSpeaks   Every time Jeter refers to Joe Torre, he calls him "Mr. T."  I thought that was Pat Morita.

#LenSpeaks  By the way, there are other baseball retirees this season.  How about Paul Konerko and Bobby Abreu?

#LenSpeaks   Lord, Chelsea Clinton is ugly.

#LenSpeaks  She just had a baby girl and people are wondering about how good will Bill and Hillary be as grandparents.

#LenSpeaks   Clinton grandchild in ten years:  "How come Grandma and Grandpa don't sleep in the same bed?"

#LenSpeaks  I'd be more concerned about the paternal grandfather.  A crooked politician who spent several years in jail and still owes millions of dollars in fines.

Dinner last night:  Tortellini and meatballs.