I've written fondly on a past Sunday about the glory of getting the TV Guide Fall Preview issue every September. I'd literally camp out at the local candy store waiting for its arrival when I was a kid. I mean, after all, I had a lot of homework to do. Going through the pages listing all the new shows. Which would I sample? Which ones sounded great? And how many conflicts would there be with time slots? Oh, no, I wanted to watch this new show on ABC but it's on the same time as Andy Griffith!
It would be an annual ritual that carried into my youth.
Okay, so flashing forward to 2014, who even buys the damn TV Guide any more? You get detailed program listings on your screen. What's the point of spending...gasp...$4.99 every week. Back when at Bob's Luncheonette, it would cost you a dime and a nickel.
But, this year, I was intrigued to see what TV Guide was doing for a Fall Preview. And, more importantly, I wanted to discern just how bad television has gotten. Is there any new TV show worth my time?
Um, no.
As I think about prime time TV on traditional networks (yes, I include cable now), there are less than seven shows that are required viewing in my house. Two only air for 13 weeks at a time.
Homeland, coming back in October.
Dallas, going off next Monday.
The Big Bang Theory.
The Middle.
Downton Abbey, coming back in January unless, of course, I move to England where I can watch the fifth season premiere next Sunday night.
Nurse Jackie, coming back next year for one last season.
That is it, gang.
I used to be a kid who could cover every half-hour of every primetime evening with something. Now I wait for all of the above to appear. I bide my in-between-time on HGTV or the Food Network or MeTV, the latter, of course, reruns all the stuff from those Fall Previews of my youth.
I'm flipping through this new TV Guide and I am astounded by the offerings.
There is NCIS: New Orleans. Note to all: I have never watched a single frame of any of the other NCIS shows.
There are some horrible sounding sitcoms. You know they're even worse when you get past the loglines.
Bad Judge. Gee, we already have enough of them.
Selfie. Yeah, name your show with a catchphrase that few people will remember in five years.
Black-ish. Gee, I wonder what that's about.
Marry Me. So, after the characters do what they're instructed in the title, how many more weeks will the show run after that?
There are dramas that all sound the same. They all investigate crime and I long for the days when the only infraction on television was when Gomer Pyle made a U-turn in Mayberry.
Scorpion. Young crime-solving geniuses.
State of Affairs. It stars Katherine Heigl. My TV is programmed to shut down automatically if her image ever appears on the screen.
The Flash. Because we just can't get enough of annoying super heroes at the multiplex every weekend.
Forever. All about a 235-year-old man who works in the New York City coroner's office. Who writes this shit?
Stalker. The ad in the TV Guide Fall Preview shows a mysterious person whose face is hidden under a hoodie. Is that the stalker or the victim?
How To Get Away With Murder. You don't need this hour-long drama. Simply watch C-Span.
Of all this crap, I find two shows that are marginally interesting. John Mulaney's new Seinfeld-like sitcom, which sports Martin Short in the supporting cast. Except all the reviews say the supporting cast is wasted.
There's something called Madam Secretary, which looks to be a knock-off of Hillary Clinton's life. It looks like it's shot in New York and features a cast of Broadway veterans. But, if it's really about Hillary's tenure as Secretary of State, this better have a laugh track.
43 new shows. I might watch two. Of the existing series, I tune into four.
Meanwhile, I am riveted to PBS' great new documentary on the Roosevelt family and, for once, Ken Burns hasn't fucked up. The damn thing is 14 hours long and it's being played out in a single week. I am thinking that if they stretched it out to an hour a week, I could be occupied until right after Thanksgiving.
But, no.
Disgusted, I zip through the TV Guide Fall Preview one more time. Now I can't even find the crossword puzzle.
Civilization, as we know it, has ended.
Dinner last night: Leftover chicken sausage and salad.
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