And I didn't have to look far for my ideal candidate. I found the perfect guy on Sirius/XM Radio. The Radio Classics channel. The only person that will be able to heal the micro-fractures that have formed in America over the last twenty years.
I am endorsing for the office of President of the United States...
Oh, stop your snickering. Have you got a better solution? Some of you didn't do such a good job in the last four or five national elections.
Okay, now that I have made my announcement, I will entertain your questions.
Len, somebody in show business shouldn't be President of the United States.
First of all, idiot, that's not a question. But, look, the show biz angle has already been covered. Remember Ronald Reagan? And who's going to argue with me about which was the better movie? The Horn Blows at Midnight or Bedtime for Bonzo? I thought so. Besides the office of the Chief Executive has been completely sullied anyway. Clinton playing the sax for Arsenio Hall. Obama going on the View to whack at some softball questions from the likes of Joy Behar. Next...
Come on, Len. Jack Benny's a comedian.
Again, dodo, that's not a question. But, since you mentioned it, Jack Benny was a damn good comic. And the humor is intentional. As opposed to the unfortunate verbal pratfalls from the inept Dan Quayle and Joe Biden, who are so stupid that they actually made Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush looks like Aristotle and Archimedes. If we're going to have a jokester running our country, he might as well be funny. Next question?
Jack Benny has no experience.
Does anybody know how to form a sentence with a question mark? No experience? Don't even go there. Compared to who? A guy who ran around the South Side of Chicago with a clipboard? A game show host with bad hair? Some fat slob from New Jersey? A woman who ran a prominent computer company into the ground? Next.
Wasn't Jack Benny a cheapskate?
Ah, now you're getting it. After the past three decades where government spending has doomed life for future generations, we need the pinnacle of fiscal conservatism. Who better than Jack Benny? The man who absolutely refuses to part with a dollar bill until the very last moment. I'm thinking that he will take the same delicate care with our money as he does with his own.
How could somebody like Jack Benny govern in these tough international times?
Well, he was the hottest thing on radio during World War II. He had the number one radio show in America with most of the country tuned in every Sunday night. Jack Benny had a fine hand in bringing this nation together during those years---perhaps the very last time this country was completely unified.
Could he handle the Mideast?
He's Jewish and you know that immediately heals the Israeli wounds inflicted by the current administrations. Laughter is the best medicine. I'll guess that even Vladimir Putin would chuckle at that Mel Blanc bit "Si, Sy, Si, Sue, Si."
What about the American car industry that has suffered through some tough times?
Jack really knows his stuff in that area. After all, he drove that Maxwell for years. The car really stood up. Put that up against anything GM has turned out in the past 20 years.
Is Jack up on all the latest technology in the world?
Twitter, schmitter. Who needs it? No e-mail server to worry about here. Jack put a 2 cent stamp on a letter and stuck it in the mailbox. How refreshing and uncomplicated is that???
And his ability to make crack, split-second decisions?
You mean like waiting for a week to give the real reason what happened at Benghazi? Well, you'll always know where Jack stands. Even if he hasn't made a judgement call, he'll update you on the process. Remember his answer to "Your money or your life?" Jack was straight forward and totally transparent. "I'm thinking it over."
And his views on minorities and women's rights?
If you listen to the old radio show, you'll notice that Mary Livingston and Rochester get all the good lines. He shares the stage with them equally. And, let's face it, Rochester was well taken care of. He should have been. After all, he did no ironing. Hell, he should be Vice President.
His general concern for the public?
Look, he was totally humanistic. Every week, he scheduled a song for Dennis Day. That was Jack's way of setting up a few moments for his audience to go to the bathroom or get a cold drink from the kitchen.
Len, you're missing one important point. Jack Benny is dead.
Gee, I don't think this is as much of an impediment as you do. Compared to who? A nutty socialist who will be 75 years old come next Election Day? Besides over the past four decades, we have done nothing but elect brain-dead politicians to all sorts of public offices. So what if Jack Benny is a little more dead than that? I doubt anybody will notice the difference.
Makes total sense to see. Go ahead. You try to argue my logic.
Dinner last night: CPK pizza with sausage and pepperoni.
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