97 Wasted Life Minutes

What would a post-holiday week be like without some leftovers? And this is one from me for the period between Christmas and New Year's.

The more avid readers of this blog have watched me relate these experiences before. I head out to a shopping mall for one thing and I wander aimlessly into a movie. Usually, I get lucky. I have seen some damn good documentaries in this haphazard mode.

So, last week, I venture out to exchange a Christmas gift DVD which, ironically, the same person had given me last year. I pass the adjacent movie complex and "Charlie Wilson's War" was about ready to start. Okay, the film got mixed reviews. I had seen the trailer, which made the movie look like a coma brought on by repeated head trauma. But, it did have Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Philip Seymour Hoffman, director Mike Nichols, and screenwriter Aaron Sorkin? How could such a talented quintet go far off course?

Apparently quite easily.

To say "Charlie Wilson's War" is the worst movie of 2007 is an understatement. It is clearly the worst movie this decade. If it had come out closer to 2000, we could have blamed it all on Y2K. What makes this even more flagrant is the amount of reputed talent wasted on and behind the screen.

The first problem is the subject matter. It is allegedly a true story and I am wondering how many libel suits will result. There is this congressman named Charlie Wilson in the early 80s and there is arms selling during the Reagan administration. Blah, blah, blah. It is all incredibly such old news that I am sure Huntley and Brinkley first reported it. Few people cared then. Nobody cares now. I am thinking that this script was probably done ages ago, long before Sorkin did "The West Wing" and "A Few Good Men." I wouldn't be surprised if he put it all together in between cocaine snorts at his college fraternity. Indeed, the usually overwritten Sorkin screenplay is, here, totally underbaked. It has all the nutritional substance of under cooked chicken at the local mission.

Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts have never been worse. They attempt these Southern accents and that section of the country was much better portrayed by Marjorie Main and Percy Kilbride in "Ma and Pa Kettle Go to Town." Hanks is incredibly bloated and is nothing short than harpoonable. Julia dusts off her old Southern accent and singlehandedly transforms this movie into "Steel Magnolias Go to Pakistan." The two of them have about as much chemistry together as Adolf Hitler and Daisy Duck. Only Philip Seymour Hoffman comes out barely unscathed. He probably appeased himself by going into his trailer between takes to fondle his Oscar.

I should have known better than to trust Mike Nichols, who is as overrated a film director as James Burrows is for the small screen. If you look at his IMDB credits, you will see a long illustrious career that includes some isolated gems---and a whole lot of crap. I sense that he's in it now for the paycheck. He probably stands next to the camera and just lets the actors run amuck, until he gets to announce a break for lunch. He gets no pass for this. If he's such a creative genius, he should have thrown this script into his new Office Depot paper shredder as soon as he got it. Maybe Diane Sawyer wanted a bathroom remodeled.

For all the purported realism and accuracy, there was one big blooper in the first five minutes that is inexcusable. The title card puts the action in the year 1980. One character is pitching their idea for a TV series. "It's Falcon Crest set in Washington, DC." Ha, ha, wink, wink.

When I got home, I checked my reference book. Falcon Crest didn't premiere until December 4, 1981. How sloppy can you get?

In this movie, apparently very. The newspaper ads and the radio commercials make "Charlie Wilson's War" seem like it is this miraculous cinematic experience. Frankly, it's nothing more than a caviar label on a can of Little Friskies.

Dinner last night: Turkey pastrami reuben sandwich at the Cheesecake Factory.