Wet and Wild Wednesday

Like the weather these days, I can be cold and brutal, too.

---These are members of the Polar Bear Club, those morons who trudge out to Coney Island every New Year's Day to swim in the icy cold Atlantic. There's a similar bunch in Los Angeles who dump themselves into the Pacific down near Huntington Beach.

---Moments like these remind me that all the stupid people aren't just in the Midwest.

---You get the news cameras at these events, but you never see footage of them checking into a hospital on January 2nd with hypothermia.

---So, the actors' refusal to cross the picket lines finally got NBC to cancel the Golden Globes Ceremony.

---No truth to the rumor that they were going to simply downscale the dinner and hold it at a Cheesecake Factory.

---In lieu of a red carpet, they were going to use an area rug from Levitz's.

---Now, we'll never know who was going to be this year's Miss Golden Globes.

---Insert your own favorite breast joke here.

---The Writer's Guild has signed an independent agreement with Tom Cruise's production company.

---So, you mean that the Scientologists get it?

---When did we start paying so much attention to what people who live in Iowa think? The state is nothing but a bunch of home-schooled farmers. And you know what home-schooled kids become?

---Snipers in the high school library.

---The only intelligent thing to come out of that state was Meredith Willson, who wrote "The Music Man." And, if you think about it, he didn't even bother to write a song about Ames, Iowa. It was Gary, Indiana.

---Gary, Indiana. Gary, Indiana. A town that knew me well.

---I wonder if they had to coordinate their voting with the arrival of the Wells Fargo Wagon.

---I thought I was being so clever when I started using the phrase "Obama Bin Laden." Until I heard somebody on NBC use it.

---I need to copyright this blog.

---I watch Obama parade around and I can swear that I saw that wardrobe once before.

---On Johnnie Cochran.

---Hillary Clinton said that Obama is "no Martin Luther King."

---And, in my opinion, she's no Sally Struthers.

---Gee, even the name "Huckabee" sounds like it belongs out in Bumpkinville, Iowa. Sort of like the local department store.

---"Shucks, I need a new pair of Sweet Orrs and some tube socks. I'm going down to Huckabee's."

---Here, in civilization, we got six inches of rain in Los Angeles over the weekend. It was so wet that...

---Sorry, I can't finish that joke. Strike. Call Jay Leno.

---Leave it to Dr. Phil, that glorified gym teacher that Oprah discovered, to jump on the Britney Spears train wreck.

---He's about as much of a doctor as Oprah is a white heterosexual.

---Dr. Phil is such a fraud that...

---Oops, sorry again. Strike. Call Jimmy Kimmel.

---With the networks now running out of new scripted fare, I am turning more and more to movies rented via Netflix, which has now officially become a verb. Did you Netflix last night?

---Or the French variation. Je netflix, tu netflix, il/elle netflix, nous netflixons, vous netflixez, ils/elles netflixent.

---The only thing I remember from high school. That and how to hold my bladder all day so you wouldn't get beat up by the black kids in the bathroom.

---My high school was so tough that...

---STRIKE!! Call Ellen Degeneres.

Dinner last night: Sandwich and salad.