Dancing with the Former C-List Stars

I don't necessarily get sucqued into every hot TV show. I watched two episodes of "The Office" and realized that the writers have no idea what goes on in a real office. Because most of it would not make it to television. I don't know what "Heroes" is or are. I have never really CSI-ed. I am not a Survivor.

But I was curious about the attention given to "Dancing With The Stars." I actually know people who have been captivated by this. They encouraged me to try it. It's just like "American Idol" they said. And, after all, I like that venue.

So, a few weeks ago, I popped in for a half-hour. I couldn't wait to pop out.

First off, I used to like host Tom Bergeron. I thought he did a darn good job years back navigating through the "Hollywood Non-Star Squares." Martin Mull to block, please, Tom. And I have to admit there has been the occasional peak at "America's Funniest Home Videos." On that program, I started to notice a bit of a smugness coming over him as he guided us through the hilarious antics of brides setting themselves on fire.

Well, on "DWTS", (as they call it in the biz), he is working with a caliber of celebrity several rungs down from the Squares. And, to compensate, his mugging and pandering to the audience hits levels that have not been achieved since Milton Berle used to walk on his ankles in the 50s. He wants to make sure you get the joke and virtually tazers us to laugh along with him.

But, that's not the worst part of this televised gas leak. These contestants are not stars. They barely were at one time. Now, any celebrity out here who is just about to submit an employment application to Best Buy clamors to get onto this mess for one last gasp of the rarified airs of stardom. How can I get invested in whether Leeza Gibbons gets through a polka without her face lift coming apart mid two-step? Unlike a lot of people, I really don't care to see how far Heather Mills can go without her leg falling off? These folks are hanging onto careers with their finger nails.

You can't compare this with Idol. Those contestants, at least, (save for Punjab) have the spectre of future music. Regardless of whether they will make great inroads in the pop world, you know that the last three or four finalists wind up with record deals. You can't argue with the success of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. Heck, even I bought that Elliott Yamin album.

But, there's no real future for any of these DWTS contestants. Are you really going to pay to go see Ian Ziering do the samba someplace? It's the last gas station before the success highway ends for most of these folks. They don't even have the Hollywood Squares to fall back on anymore.

Nope, I'm not watching this again.

Unless, of course, they sign up Imus next season.

Dinner last night: homemade fried chicken.