Indirect TV

When I call their automated service and put my home phone number in, the record-o-lady reminds me that I am on their A list---a most valued customer.

I now know what the A stands for. You can find it during any rectal exam.

I have been hooked up with satellite television for a number of years. I was a big fan and used to love their customer service. They couldn't do enough for you. I was such a devotee that, when I moved last year, you may remember that I went major league toe-to-toe and nose-to-nose with the Fourth Reich, more commonly known as my building's condo association. I wanted my Direct TV in my new home and I wanted it bad. Real bad. It was ugly, but I won the battle.

Now flip the calendar pages one year ahead to April, 2007. I finally give in to the urges and drop some coin for a plasma high-def TV. Not one of the screens that are as big as the Elmsford Drive-In. But, something that will make Jack Bauer look really good as he is tazering some Arabs. So, I shuffle the other TVs around the bedrooms and designate the living room as the new Hi-Def Lounge.

Of course, you need to upgrade to a Direct TV High Def receiver. And, of course, the DVR is a necessity. I call my friends there and ask specifically if I need any additional outside wiring because that is verboten per the homeowner association's president, who may be the only Boy from Brazil still unaccounted for. Direct TV tells me no and can we please set up your installation date. Done deal, right?

No.

The plasma is delivered on time and the Direct TV guy shows up an hour later. With the HD DVR, but no corresponding dish. I asked him why he would even bother showing up like that. He answered that he just goes by the work order. Literal to a fault.

The trouble is that Direct TV now outsources all installation jobs. So, there is no real follow-through on customer service. When I voiced my displeasure with this guy, he told me his supervisor would be calling later on Friday.

Maybe it's a Friday next month. No call yet.

And, of course, despite what I specifically asked on the phone, I do need extra outside wiring. A lot of outside wiring. Enough to recreate the barbed wire on the original Berlin Wall. Plus I needed a bigger dish. A much bigger dish. And it has to be mounted to the roof. I can admire it when I am standing up there waiting for my blindfold and final cigarette in front of Adolf Homeowner.

I was told none of this on the phone with Direct TV. And that was before I even bought the plasma. It was now as useless to me as a Philco TV that only picks up the DuMont network.

In the last two days, I have heard even more horror stories about Direct TV's ineptitude. HD DVRs that don't record properly. Messed up bills.

Is this coincidental to the fact that they have been taken over by Fox Corp, a big evil conglomerate? Hmmmm.

So, now I will move forward with Direct TV on the two bedroom TVs and Time Warner HD cable on the plasma.

I just wish there was something on to watch.

Dinner last night: All Beef Super Dodger Dog.