Sorry, This is the Only Wednesday We Have This Week

Let the sideshow begin. Hurry, hurry...

---Good for the Mets' Tom Glavine, who earned his 300th career victory on Sunday night. Given the state of MLB pitching these days, he'll probably be the last one to achieve that plateau.

---Well, maybe Brett Tomko.

---Only 209 to go, Brett. I'm pulling for you.

---The only reason Tomko is still on the Dodger staff is because Don Newcombe can't find his cleats.

---And while I'm on the Blue Crew, will somebody please get Russell Martin to sit out a few games? I understand that the manager wants him to take a rest, but he refuses.

---You haven't been helping us lately, Russell.

---I'm starting to understand why Grady Little no longer gets the Boston Globe every morning.

---I've got September 3 in the pool for the next time the Dodgers will score a run this year.

---The only thing I wanted to see Barry Bonds break is his neck.

---It was absolutely nauseating to watch him do it last night. As he crossed home plate, he pointed to God for thanks.

---I didn't know that God worked for BALCO.

---His post game press conference was the biggest farce. He was denying everything. I was half expecting to hear him say that he did not sleep with Miss Lewinsky.

---Yet, nobody asked him the most obvious question.

---If he's not taking anything, how come he grew three shoe sizes in the past ten years?

---Speaking of rats, I finally caught up to "Ratatouille." Who knew infestation could be so entertaining?

---And you thought people living in slums didn't have any fun?

---The scenes of rodent stampedes were timely for me, given the news reports on the state of the Angels' concession stands. They got 133 food violations.

They apparently don't clean the stands until the next morning, so the garbage sits around under the seats overnight. It's like a nightly NYC garbage strike.

---Gee, if Anaheim's stadium is overrun by creatures, what must Yankee Stadium be like?

---They must have rats that go back to the days of Thad Tillotson and Ross Moschitto.

---Not counting, off course, the vermin that drinks beer and sits in the bleachers.

---Watching some local morning show in Chicago was a hoot. They had a remote from some yacht out on Lake Michigan. The people on the boat were all swigging down beer cans.

---It was 7AM. Am I the only one who sees a problem with that?

---I love all those dummies who spend a couple of bucks for some dreck called Vitamin Water.

---Take vitamins. Drink water. How hard is it to do that in two distinct and separate acts?

---Multi-tasking is only viable if you can perform both tasks well. Most people can't even manage one thing at a time with any degree of success.

---Summer TV is from Hell. Reality shows following every move of F-listers like Paula Abdul, Scott Baio, Corey Haim, and Corey Feldman.

---The only reason these jerks are on TV letting people follow them around is because, in reality, nobody is following them around.

---Scott Baio is a horrible actor even playing himself.

---This is the Walgren Pharmacist. Miss Abdul, your Paxil is ready.

---I keep thinking about seeing "Hairspray" last night. And I finally realized what Travolta's bad makeup job reminded me of.

---Remember when they put the fat suit on Courtney Cox in "Friends?"

---Overheard in the men's room at the Hollywood Bowl at intermission of "South Pacific:" some guy was very impressed that his wife recognized Michael McKean from "Laverne and Shirley" was playing Luther Billis.

---Your wife's not that much of a genius. May I introduce you to the concept of a Playbill?

---Looking at the audience that night just enhanced one more stereotype. It was obviously a good night to be a burglar in West Hollywood.

---You wonder if that Minneapolis bridge collapse brought back some odd sensations for Teddy Kennedy.

---That Chappaquidick incident was the last time he swallowed anything that was 100% water.

---You know it's slim political pickings when Hillary starts looking good to you.

---Too bad he died. This could have finally been Pat Paulsen's year.

---Memo to the mother sitting four rows ahead on my flight back from Chicago: yes, your baby's diaper was full.

Dinner last night: Spaghetti and meatballs at Palomino.