Hollywood Is Calling.com

Talk about sweet and sour. The two extremes of emotions. Hilariously funny and depressingly sad. All in one website.

There is something called Hollywood Is Calling. You sign onto this website. For $19.95, you can have one of their associated celebrities call your friend or loved one with a personal greeting. A happy birthday. Happy Anniversary. Get well soon. Hope that new leg works out well for you.

Imagine what a dynamite idea this is. I heard about it and signed on. I certainly had a host of friends I might use this on.

Then I saw the list of celebrities. I switched gears. I certainly had a host of enemies I might use this on. To say that this list of celebrities is pool scum would be insulting to anything currently residing on the bottom of a barrel. Try these gems on for size. You, too, could hear from any of them for $19.95.

Lou Ferrigno: Hasn't worked since the Incredible Hulk. Obviously now needs the green more in bills than in skin tone.

Larry Holmes: the famous boxer. If you personalize your greeting, you better write it out phonetically.

Dennis Haskins: he played the principal on Saved by the Bell. Suitable for those birthday celebrants born between the years 1983-1987.

Joseph Gannascoli: played gay Vito on the Sopranos. He's probably the only one on the site who has had a regular paycheck in this century.

Dean Haglund: he was on the X Files. There was a picture of him that looked like it was last seen on a taxicab meter.

Alex Michel: TV's first Bachelor. If you have the star of a reality TV show call a friend for their birthday, you need to be beaten to a pulp.

Paige Brooks: lots of credits but unrecognizable. Hell, I was on Murphy Brown. And I call people for their birthdays all the time. Where's my twenty bucks?!

Gary Jones: Anybody?

Russell Johnson: the Professor from Gilligan's Island. They probably have his caregiver dial the phone for him.

Richard Hatch: the dude from the old Battlestar Galactica. Last seen on the Love Boat.

Christopher Atkins: that 80's heartthrob who couldn't act unless he was wearing a Speedo.

Ron Palillo: Horschack, horseshit, whatever. Geez, you don't even get Travolta.

Jon Provost: Timmy from the Lassie Show. I'd rather have the dog bark into a phone receiver.

Greg Evigan: yes, BJ from BJ and the Bear. And I always wondered if the scriptwriter who wrote that pilot was enjoying a good little inside joke with that character's name.

Raven: some wrestler.

Brandon Cruz: Eddie from the Courtship of Blah, Blah. For three bucks more, they ought to throw in some psychic connection to Bill Bixby.

Rick Searfoss: a Space Shuttle astronaut. The sad thing is you only remember the names of the shuttle folks who crash.

John Fiore: Anybody?

John De Lancie: from Star Trek:The Next Generation. That was about five versions ago, right?

Marta Kristen: one of the daughters from Lost in Space. If it were Angela Cartwright, my interest level would be raised.

Pepe Serna: from the picture, he's either an actor or my gardener.

Candy Clark: the blonde from American Graffiti. She at least once went to the Oscars.

Tommy Habeeb: ANYBODY???

David Naughton: that "I'm a Pepper, You're a Pepper" guy. I think I leased my last car from him.

Butch Patrick: Eddie Munster. Probably needs the dough after he got cut out of Yvonne DeCarlo's will.

The amazing thing about this site are the rules. They warn you that the calls may be shorter than 30 seconds. Heck, if I'm shelling out twenty bucks on one of these losers, I want to spend at least a half hour discussing everything from the Dodgers to global warming. And you are also cautioned that these celebrities might take up to 7 days to call. It all depends upon their schedule. Uh huh. If I plunk down my jack, I better be hearing from Christopher Atkins faster than I get my pants back from the dry cleaners. Let's face it. They have had nothing in their Filofaxes since Paul Lynde was the center square.

Dinner last night: a great BLT sandwich from Clementine's.