Your 2008 Summer Movie Preview - July & August

This is a photo of the AMC complex that is literally a ten minute walk from my LA apartment. And it will be filled this summer with lots of people being subjected to mindless and witless entertainment.

Here's my service to you. Culled from my "inside" info, here's what will be headed your way come this July and August.

JULY

The X-Files: Hell, didn't they make this movie version of the TV show once before? Are people actually clamoring to see more of this stuff years after the show went off the air? What have I been missing? Have I been abducted by aliens? Anybody???

Hancock: Will Smith in one more attempt to demonstrate that he can act. As usual, he will fail.

The Dark Knight: Heath Ledger's last role ever. As the Joker in this Batman sequel. Note to all: Cesar Romero died of natural causes. I'm just saying.

Step Brothers: Another sidesplitter with Will Ferrell, who has made way too many movies the last few years. Probably one of the most overrated comedic actors in the history of the world. I also don't like the guy. Have you noticed?

Kit Kittredge: An American Girl: Because they can't sell enough of those freakin' dolls in those restaurants and stores, which will be uncovered five years from now as being major brainwash centers.

The Wackness: Ben Kingsley as a shrink who buys pot from his teenage patient. And he gets his Zoloft from Lindsay Lohan.

Mamma Mia!: The trailer looks like they captured all the fun of the Broadway show. Plus Pierce Brosnan sings!

Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D: A high tech remake of the great 1959 movie with James Mason and Pat Boone. The latter was super cheesy with lizards posing as dinosaurs. Something tells me it will remain the classic after the release of this computer-enhanced disaster.

Meet Dave: Eddie Murphy plays a one-and-a-half-inch tall alien. Probably short on laughter as well.

Hellboy II: It will have to be a cold day in...

Baghead: About a guy who wears a paperbag over his head. And, ultimately, we all do look alike.

AUGUST

Pineapple Express: Stoners witnessing a murder. Or maybe it's a documentary about plans to build a subway in Honolulu.

Tropic Thunder: The trailer about some actors filming an all-time real film about Vietnam was actually hilarious. But, only because Robert Downey is playing a guy who undergoes some skin pigmentation so he can be a Black actor. I may order advance tickets now.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: No guy should see this movie on purpose.

Towelhead: A 13 year-old Lebanese girl is molested by her Texas neighbor. Light comedy. Bring the kids!

Crossing Over: Harrison Ford comes back one more time this summer in a drama about illegal immigration. But, who wouldn't want to see "Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Border Patrol?"

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor: When I saw Brendan Frasier in the elevator of the Arclight parking garage, he said nothing to me about this movie coming out.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona: Woody Allen, who has spent his last few movies in England, moves down to Spain. So, expect the following in films to come: "Annie Jimenez," "Take The Euro and Run," and "Hannah and Her Many Husbands."

The House Bunny: A Playboy Playmate becomes the house mother of a sorority. Nothing like that ever happened to me at Fordham. All we ever had was gay Jesuits you needed to avoid.

Hamlet 2: Even Shakespeare gets sucked into the typical Hollywood greed thing. Actually, it's about a drama teacher putting on a rather irreverent production. The trailer was quite funny.

The Rocker: Not sure what this is. But I can tell you that's what you would find my grandmother sitting in every afternoon from 2 to 4PM.

Dinner last night: Dried cappacollo on sourdough roll.