763 BC: ASSYRIANS RECORD A SOLAR ECLIPSE THAT IS LATER USED TO FIX THE CHRONOLOGY OF MESOPOTAMIAN HISTORY.
I cut World History class that day.
1215: KING JOHN OF ENGLAND PUTS HIS SEAL TO THE MAGNA CARTA.
Throw it a fish.
1246: WITH THE DEATH OF FREDERICK II, DUKE OF AUSTRIA, THE BABENBURG DYNASTY ENDS IN AUSTRIA.
I cut class that day, too.
1300: THE CITY OF BILBAO IS FOUNDED.
And that day.
1502: CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS LANDS ON THE ISLAND OF MARTINIQUE ON HIS FOURTH VOYAGE.
He never stayed home. Much to the delight of Mrs. Columbus.
1520: POPE LEO X THREATENS TO EXCOMMUNICATE MARTIN LUTHER.
So, Marty, start your own church, why don't you?
1648: MARGARET JONES IS HANGED IN BOSTON FOR WITCHCRAFT IN THE FIRST SUCH EXECUTION FOR THE MASSACHUSETTS BAY COLONY.
Hardware stores, stock up on rope.
1667: THE FIRST HUMAN BLOOD TRANSFUSION IS ADMINISTERED BY DR. JEAN-BAPTISTE DENYS.
So there was also a non-human blood transfusion at some point?
1752: BENJAMIN FRANKLIN PROVES THAT LIGHTNING IS ELECTRICITY.
Ow.
1775: AMERICAN REVOLUTION: GEORGE WASHINGTON IS APPOINTED COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF OF THE CONTINENTAL ARMY.
Like there was another choice?
1815: THE DUCHESS OF RICHMOND'S BALL IS HELD IN BRUSSELS, "THE MOST FAMOUS BALL IN HISTORY."
Nah, Lucille was the most famous ball in history.
1836: ARKANSAS IS ADMITTED AS THE 25TH US STATE.
If you insist.
1844: CHARLES GOODYEAR RECEIVES A PATENT FOR VULCANIZATION, A PROCESS TO STRENGTHEN RUBBER.
Probably because of Mrs. Goodyear's recent pregnancy scare.
1864: ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY IS ESTABLISHED.
Dig we must.
1878: EADWEARD MUYBRIDGE TAKES A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS TO PROVE THAT ALL FOUR FEET OF A HORSE LEAVE THE GROUND WHEN IT RUNS.
Talk about somebody with a lot of time on his hands.
1896: THE DEADLIEST TSUNAMI IN JAPAN'S HISTORY KILLS MORE THAN 22,000 PEOPLE.
Or the attendance at one Houston Astros game.
1916: US PRESIDENT WOODROW WILSON SINGS A BILL INCORPORATING THE BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA.
Good. Now all those old ladies can cross the street.
1932: POLITICIAN MARIO CUOMO IS BORN.
I still want to know about those mob ties which prevented him from running for President.
1934: THE US GREAT SMOKY MOUNTAINS NATIONAL PARK IS FOUNDED.
Be careful with those matches.
1940: WORLD WAR II - ALLIED TROOPS START TO EVACUATE FRANCE, FOLLOWING GERMANY'S TAKEOVER OF PARIS.
Everybody down to Casablanca....
1949: BASEBALL STAR/MANAGER DUSTY BAKER IS BORN.
And soon the first bullpen will be ruined.
1954: ACTOR JIM BELUSHI IS BORN.
Lucky he had a famous brother or he would be a checkout clerk at Ralph's.
1963: ACTRESS HELEN HUNT IS BORN.
Mad about her.
1969: THE METS TRADE FOR DONN CLENDENON.
Good deal.
1970: CHARLES MANSON GOES ON TRIAL FOR THE SHARON TATE MURDERS.
As if there was any reasonable doubt.
1973: ACTOR NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IS BORN.
He should be doing nothing but Broadway shows these days.
1977: THE METS TRADE TOM SEAVER.
Bad deal.
1983: THE METS TRADE FOR KEITH HERNANDEZ.
Good deal.
1985: REMBRANDT'S PAINTING DANAE IS ATTACKED BY A MAN (LATER JUDGED INSANE) WHO THROWS SULFURIC ACID ON THE CANVAS AND CUTS IT TWICE WITH A KNIFE.
Some people cut Art Appreciation class, too.
1993: POLITICIAN JOHN CONNALLY DIES.
"What did you say, Mr. President? Ouch?"
1994: ISRAEL AND VATICAN CITY ESTABLISH FULL DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS.
Good. Now you can have combined bingo and mah jongg nights.
2003: ACTOR HUME CRONYN DIES.
Unlike his role in Cocoon, he didn't live forever.
2012: NIK WALLENDA BECOMES THE FIRST PERSON TO SUCCESSFULLY TIGHTROPE WALK OVER NIAGARA FALLS.
Boy, this is high.
2014: RADIO HOST CASEY KASEM DIES.
Did they finally bury him?
Dinner last night: Leftover roast chicken.
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