45 BC: IN HIS LAST VICTORY, JULIUS CAESAR DEFEATS THE POMPEIAN FORCES OF TITUS LABIENUS AND POMPEY THE YOUNGER.
What was the spread?
180: COMMODUS BECOMES SOLE EMPEROR OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE.
And the inventor of the toilet.
1337: EDWARD, THE BLACK PRINCE IS MADE DUKE OF CORNWALL.
BlackPrincesMatter.
1776: THE BRITISH ARMY EVACUATES BOSTON, ENDING THE SIEGE OF BOSTON DURING THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION.
The next siege would be led by Bucky Dent.
1780: GEORGE WASHINGTON GRANTS THE CONTINENTAL ARMY A HOLIDAY "AS AN ACT OF SOLIDARITY WITH THE IRISH IN THEIR FIGHT FOR INDEPENDENCE."
I bet it was a Monday so they could have a three-day weekend.
1861: THE KINGDOM OF ITALY IS PROCLAIMED.
So that thing with Commodus really did get flushed.
1891: THE SS UTOPIA COLLIDES WITH HMS ANSON IN THE BAY OF GIBRALTAR AND SINKS, KILLING 562 PASSENGERS.
Um, how hard is it to steer a big boat like that??
1919: SINGER NAT KING COLE IS BORN.
And immediately had a cigarette.
1941: THE NATIONAL GALLERY OF ART IS OFFICIALLY OPENED BY PRESIDENT FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT.
Hope there weren't a lot of stairs.
1942: THE FIRST JEWS ARE GASSED IN EAST POLAND.
If you're a reader of the New York Times, you never saw this news.
1949: ACTOR PATRICK DUFFY IS BORN.
Those scenes with Victoria Principal had to be annoying, eh?
1950: RESEARCHERS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT BERKELEY ANNOUNCE THE CREATION OF ELEMENT 98, WHICH THEY NAME "CALIFORNIUM."
Knowing those kooks up there, I bet it's something they can smoke.
1951: ACTOR KURT RUSSELL IS BORN.
Goldie is still waiting for her ring.
1956: COMIC FRED ALLEN DIES.
Dropped dead on 57th Street in Manhattan which was a big deal for the Daily News.
1964: ACTOR ROB LOWE IS BORN.
Always smirking in photos, so I guess he gets laid a lot.
1969: GOLDA MEIR BECOMES THE FIRST FEMALE PRIME MINISTER OF ISRAEL.
Yenta.
1985: SERIAL KILLER RICHARD RAMIREZ, AKA THE NIGHT STALKER, COMMITS THE FIRST TWO MURDERS IN HIS LOS ANGELES MURDER SPREE.
If he was still alive today, he'd probably have a podcast.
1990: ACTRESS CAPUCINE DIES WHEN SHE JUMPS OUT OF A WINDOW IN HER EIGHTH FLOOR APARTMENT.
Well, that will do it.
1993: ACTRESS HELEN HAYES DIES.
For all the famous roles she had, it's amazing she got an Oscar for playing a stowaway in that cheesy movie "Airport."
2000: 530 MEMBERS OF A UGANDAN CULT DIE IN A FIRE, WHICH IS SUSPECTED TO BE A MASS SUICIDE.
Or simply somebody smoking near a curtain.
2002: TV PRODUCER PAT WEAVER DIES.
A big deal in the industry and also Sigourney's dad.
2006: DESIGNER OLEG CASSINI DIES.
Oh, great. Now I have nothing to wear.
2013: JOURNALIST A.B.C WHIPPLE DIES.
I have no clue who the hell is he, but the name gets him a mention here.
Dinner last night: Leftover chicken scarpariello.
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