The Big Getaway

Flying last Friday, I can tell you that the Thanksgiving travel rush has begun. Any business traveler worth the finest rolling luggage knows fully well to avoid being in any airport this week. This is the time where air travel is turned over to the amateurs. Everybody rushing like Hell to get home to Grandma. Okay, back in the day, I never had to do that. I simply had to navigate two flights of stairs from the second floor down to her dining room for the Thanksgiving repast. Of course, if I had lived further away, I would have been hard pressed to hop a plane for her cooking. The woman could bake up a storm. But, the main meal? She would use Campbell's Condensed Tomato Soup as sauce for spaghetti. And you could spackle the basement walls with her mashed potatoes. The wonderful cooking smells associated with a family kitchen immersed in Thanksgiving preparations were usually not apparent in my house. More than like, all you would hear is the constant whirring of a can opener. I remember when, during one year, there was some sort of scare about tainted cranberries in a can. So, did we make due by actually cooking up a fresh batch. Of course not. But, I digress...

If your grandmother can indeed cook and you must indeed travel, here are some things you need to know before you venture out to LAX, JFK, ORD, or whatever three initials provide the airport in your area. I am drawing on my years of experience as an air traveler. But, know fully well that I won't be among you. I will be safely esconced on a Los Angeles couch, watching Joanne Worley ride a Macy's turkey on taped delay.

---Please be judicious on what you try to place through the security x-ray machine. If you're not quite sure, don't try to put a coffee table through.

---Homeland Security is supposed to be your friend. So, when you are searched, just relish in the fact that your significant other probably hasn't touched those areas in years.

---Duty free shops are conveniently located in most airport terminals and they sell small bottles of liquor. An ideal way of sedating your five year-old terror before boarding.

---Those traveling on American Airlines might want to bring their own in-flight entertainment. Because, from a total of over 200 Cheers episodes, AA tends to show the same three. On my last flight, four people got up to recite the dialogue themselves.

---Overheads are for one bag only. The contents of your armoire at home probably should have stayed there.

---If your flight is bumped and the airline suggests you fly stand by, go to the nearest candy stand and buy yourself a lotto ticket. You have as much chance of winning that as you do flying that day.

---If your destination at all includes the American Airlines terminal in JFK, you will need to rent a car---to get from the gate to baggage claim. Allot three days for the journey.

---Beat the airport crowds on the return trip. Once you arrive, simply stay there and enjoy the Thanksgiving special at Applebee's.

---The airplane toilet is not the place you should throw your Suduko puzzle in disgust. Always opt for the easiest puzzle. Since you're flying on the worst travel weekend of the year, you are obviously too stupid to try the intermediate or difficult levels.

---Self service check-in machines do not acknowledge membership cards to Curves.

---On second thought, if you even own a membership card to Curves, it's probably better not to make a reservation in the first place.

---Exit rows provide more leg room. But, you will be instructed to help out in the case of an emergency. Be prepared to push Granny down the slide. Indeed, you might even be tempted to do so without the requisite emergency.

Travel safe, everybody.

Dinner last night: Evelyn's (whoever the hell she is) Favorite Pasta at the Cheesecake Factory.