Not Your Ordinary Wednesday Before Thanksgiving

Here's what's cooking in my mind.

---So, just when are turkeys killed so they can be prepped for super market sale by Thanksgiving.

---I am guessing most turkeys must be sweating out October every year. And then those that get through there with necks attached must get a false sense of security becausem, just around the corner, you get Christmas.

---Which is also a bad time of year if you're a vacuum-packed ham.

---What the hell is a turnip?

---My grandmother used to love to eat the turkey's behind and innards. Sometimes called "the Pope's nose."

---And that only works if the current guy is an Italian.

---They actually are making a major marketing campaign around that string bean casserole thrown together with a can of cream of mushroom soup and some onion rings. I saw a commercial that talked lovingly about the history of this dish.

---Gee, there's a lot of love that goes into that dish. Three cans to open and you're done.

---Hope you didn't work up a sweat, Aunt Marge.

---If you go Christmas shopping on the day after Thanksgiving, you are a loser. And an idiot.

---They're already talking about people being lined up at 4AM to be the first ones into Walmart.

---It is a media-concocted event that most stupid Americans have bought into hook, line, and drumstick.

---But why is it you never see people camped outside of a Nordstrom's?

---By Friday night, we'll see virtual stampedes of people who all look like they had that extra third or fourth slice of pumpkin pie.

---We haven't see such a storm of angry elephants since "Tarzan Finds a Son."

---Wouldn't the states of Nebraska and Arkansas make great parking lots for New York and California?

---Must be fun Thanksgiving dinners when all those peckerwoods in the middle of the country get together over the paper tablecloth-covered bridge table.

---"I'd like you to meet my new wife, Cousin Shirley."

---Yes, I am an elitist. Always looking to be on the right side of the velvet rope.

---Is it me or has the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade be commercialized beyond belief? Every damn float and balloon comes attached with some corporate sponsor.

---Remember when you had Popeye and Bullwinkle? Now, you've got the freakin' Energizer bunny.

---Maybe Lamisil should sponsor a balloon. I'd love to see that disgusting toe fungus character being dragged down Broadway.

---The best part of the parade is counting the C list caliber of celebrity that shows up.

---"Oh, look, on the Pilgrim Float, why it's Elaine Joyce!!"

---I went to the parade five years in a row when we had third floor offices in New York. You get a great view of how much duct tape they need to hold together Garfield's ass.

---There's already one radio station here in Los Angeles that has flipped to all Christmas music. And I am already sick of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer." Must be a real knee slapper in Louisiana.

---Okay, I've got a beef with Burl Ives. What the hell is a "holly jolly Christmas?"

---Holly is a noun, not an adjective! I've never heard of somebody being holly.

---What can I expect from some old guy who was singing Jimmy Crackcorn?

---And I don't care!

In the true spirit of the holiday, go stuff yourselves.

Dinner last night: Eggplant Parmagiana at Maria's Italian Kitchen.