Hi, My Name is Larry....Er, King

What's worse than Larry King conducting an interview on his CNN show?

Larry King conducting an interview on his CNN show at the age of 74.

We've long heard the stories. He farts so much in his studio that his guests are provided complimentary cans of Glade. He's oversexed---the quintessential dirty old man. I got some first hand experience of that when I worked his overnight radio show years ago. During every commercial break, he'd call whatever woman he was married to at the time and essentially undress her on the phone.

And, of course, there are his probing interviews. The only time I ever bother to tune into Larry King is after some big celebrity dies. Because, somehow, he manages to mobilize like nobody else when the grim reaper shows up at some Bel Air mansion. You can count on Larry to react quickly by immediately booking an on-air wake that will most certainly include such professional entertainer/mourners as Connie Stevens, Phyllis Diller, and Ed McMahon. I'm already speculating who Larry will call on when one of those three finally send their bags down to the eternal lobby. But, I digress...

Larry King's talents to do anything but eat an omelette have always escaped me. But, nevertheless, he has hung around like an antibiotic-resistant eczema. He has sat across from thousands and thousands of famous people and has not bothered to prep for a single one of those interviews. Now, we have the added spectre of age. Larry, who was an old 50, is now a King Tut-like 74. He's become the equivalent of Moses on the mountain, but he'd easily forget to mention Commandments 2 through 10. I peek at his program enough to know that it's very much akin to visiting a relative in a nursing home. He always looks completely addled. He can't remember the name of the person he's on with, and I'm guessing the only thing that he's really got in his memory bank anymore is the lunch menu at Nate 'N Al's.

Take a gander at this clip from last week. Jerry Seinfeld is on promoting his Bee Movie. Jerry's gotten some flack for how he handled the situation, but he reacted very much like a comic would. With humor. Nevertheless, you can easily see how utterly lost the host is.

And they retired Phil Donahue because he was old?

It's time, Larry. There's a checkerboard and a glass of lemonade in your future. Embrace them. And leave the car keys at home.

Dinner last night: Sandwich and salad.