Only the Snow Miser (and I) can tell you just how stingy Hollywood is going to be with their creativity this December.
Opening December 5:
Juno: A pregnant teen looks for just the right set of adoptive parents for her unborn baby. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline need not apply. Jason Bateman has a supporting role. He has made at least 50 movies in 2007. And you all thought sister Justine was going to be the big star. I think I saw her manning a checkout line at Whole Foods.
Opening December 7:
The Amateurs: Jeff Bridges stars as a man in midlife crisis who gathers his friends to make an adult movie. I need new friends.
Atonement: One of those period pieces with a trailer that made me start fluffing the back of my seat. If you go, check out a theater with extra-comfortable seats.
The Golden Compass: A young girl goes on a magical quest for a parallel universe. I thought that was MySpace.
Grace Is Gone: John Cusack has reached that point in his career where he wants some Oscar nominations. He plays a dad who struggles with telling his two young daughters that their mother has been killed in Iraq. There must be a marketing tie-in with Kleenex.
Man In The Chair: A troubled, aspiring young filmmaker finds unlikely allies in the retired residents of the motion picture home. And now I'm kicking myself before I always thought that was a good idea for a script. Apparently somebody else's script now. Robert Wagner is in this, so I guess the production won't be perfect.
Revolver: Some film noir from Guy Ritchie. Not to be confused with the Beatles' album. Or the gun in John Hinckley's hand.
Strength and Honor: Michael Madsen plays an Irish American boxer who breaks vow to never fight again in order to raise money for the surgery that might save his son's life. Is it me or does Hollywood think every boxer is Irish?? Oh, yeah, wasn't it Muhammad O'Ali?
The Walker: Woody Harrelson plays some gay guy dealing with Washington DC's high society women. American Gigolo goes to Washington. Lily Tomlin's in it, as well as Lauren Bacall. My most delicious screen memory of her was when Christopher punched her in the face on "The Sopranos." A first class bitch.
The Perfect Holiday: Love Actually Goes to Harlem. There will be lines around the block in front of every Magic Johnson theater in Inglewood.
Opening December 14:
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Me, I want a hula hoop. CGI rodents. I wonder if the premiere will be held at Angels Stadium.
I Am Legend: Will Smith in a remake of "The Omega Man." Who keeps hiring this guy??? One of today's true "mystery talents."
The Kite Runner: A best selling book comes to the screen. One more snapshot of life in the Mideast. Just as easily could have been shot in a high-rise on Wilshire, which is where most of those people have moved.
Opening December 21:
P.S. I Love You: A dead husband leaves a list of things for his wife to accomplish. Picking up the dry cleaning will, however, be pointless. Hilary Swank is trying to fill out her bookcase.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets: Nicolas Cage, who I have never ever gotten, in a sequel where he digs up a missing page from John Wilkes Booth's diary. We will now discover that there were three gunmen in Ford's Theater.
Sweeney Todd: I am hearing that this screen adaptation of the musical is Oscar worthy. Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are involved, as well as the guy who played Borat. The trailer looks snazzy, but there was not one single mention of Stephen Sondheim.
Walk Hard, The Dewey Cox Story: Dewey Cox is not a real person. A fake biography of some fake rock star. It's described as a rock version of "Talladega Nights." Pass.
Opening Christmas Day:
The Bucket List: Morgan Freeman's December movie and he teams with Jack Nicholson in a buddy flick about two old guys getting ready to croak. The trailer was funny. That's always a bad sign.
The Great Debaters: Three scary words---Denzel Washington directs. A Black debating team. Probably arguing over whether or not to trade Kobe Bryant. Or which White woman in the cast will get hit on by the director.
Perseplis: A French cartoon about the Islamic revolution. What's Up, Allah?
Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem: Remember the days when Christmas meant Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph?
Charlie Wilson's War: Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts in some true story about shenanigans in Washington, DC twenty years ago. Hanks looks like a bloated whale in the trailer. But, generally, director Mike Nichols and Julia don't do crap. It will either be the picture of the year or a rousing disappointment.
Dinner last night: Had a big lunch, so just a little ice cream.
Tomorrow, back in strike-torn Los Angeles.
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