Shit For Brains - The NY Edition

In the city where the pooper scooper first got its start, here I am pointing out once again some of the morons I encountered in my last week in New York. Shit for Brains goes bi-coastal.

How about the long line in the deli where I am trying to pay for my sandwich? And the asshole in front of me ties up the service because he is challenging whether the hot dogs are really kosher. Okay, you ignoramus, the guy behind the counter looks like an extra from Al Jolson's "The Jazz Singer." He is explaining kosher laws to you in broken Yiddish. Do you really think he himself is going to break religious law by serving you Oscar Meyer pork by-products? As if you could even tell the difference. Shit For Brains!

I heard this exchange between two dopes in the lobby of the Vivian Beaumont Theater at intermission of the latest Broadway revival of "South Pacific."

Dope 1: "The first act is way too long."

Dope 2: "Yeah, they probably needed to cut it down during previews."

Dope 1: "Obviously, the writers couldn't be bothered."

Huh??? Have you two schmucks been to a Broadway show? Ever?? I bet while you were at the show, your TiVo at home was set to record "My Name is Earl." Talk about a couple of dumbbells. "South Pacific" was written by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein about 60 years old. Neither one of them are available for extensive rewrites as it's tough to do when you're dead. Anybody with a slight bit of Broadway knowledge knows that "South Pacific" is the longest first act in musical comedy history. But, not these two yokels. I wanted to come up from behind and bang their empty heads together. Shit For Brains.

I cannot believe this is still happening on Metro North. On a late afternoon commute home, you are looking for a seat on these new fangled train cars which are very comfortable. Except for the human trash who decides that a four-seater is the equivalent of the Barcalounger in his living room. Shoes off, big toe sticking out of a sock, buried deep inside the New York Post. I saw this three or four times in the past several days. And it's not like they don't make a specific announcement about this on the loudspeaker. One guy curled up across three seats as if he was an overnight flight to Singapore. Another phenomenon I have noticed: the biggest culprits for this offense these days are Asian businessmen. Look, Ito, I don't give a shit what time you had to be at work to check the Tokyo stock market. None of it allows you to turn two available seats into your own personal Serta Sleeper. Shit For Brains.

Sidewalks in some NY side streets are still fairly narrow. But, that doesn't stop a couple of tourist hayseeds from Bumfuk, Louisiana to stop in one spot and carry on a discussion about where to put on their feedbags for dinner. And they take up the whole sidewalk which requires you to walk into the street just to pass them.

Hayseed 1: "Where was that Olive Garden in Times Square?"

Hayseed 2: "I don't think we have time for that. Let's go to the McDonald's next to the theater in case Adrian Zmed arrives early to the stage door."

Er, excuse me as I try to get past you and don't mind if I step in that huge pond of water that has formed in the gutter. Shit For Brains.

New Yorkers are perpetually on the go. Walking the streets of Manhattan, human bumper to human bumper. You're moving along at a good clip like everybody else when, suddenly, you walk into the back of the asshole in front of you who has stopped dead in his or her tracks. Why? Because they have stopped to type an e-mail.

This happened almost a half dozen times over the past several days. Severe and sudden body contact made because some idiot is iPhoning, Black Berrying, or reporting back to whatever mother ship left them on this planet. And it's not as if business is being conducted. I would venture to guess that most of these knuckleheads are checking in at home to see what's for dinner. Or confirming on Moviefone.com that Duplicity is starting at 7:20PM at the Clearview Cinema in Bronxville. Dopes! They're banning these things behind the wheel. I would add that restriction to the sidewalks as well.

And let's also shitcan the cell phone on commuter trains as well. How many times do I hear this screamed out loud in the closed confines of Metro North?

"I"M ON THE TRAIN!"

I could confirm that. So could most of the population of Toronto, Canada, which also heard about your current location. Now, I understand that, in post 9/11, loved ones check in periodically to announce that they are okay. But, overkill has set in like weeds. And it is continually amazing in America to see so many people trying to multi-task when most of them can't even do one thing at a time with any modicum of effectiveness. Why? Because they all have...

Shit For Brains!

Dinner last night: Salami sandwich.