Your Top 13 American Idol Finalists - 2009

And tonight, it begins for real on American Idol. After weeks of bad auditions, over-inflated egos, and Paula Abdul refusing to see the negative in anybody ever, the competitions begin for the Top 12 Idol finalists. No, wait, make that the Top 13. In a nifty twist, the producers have decided to move forward with a baker’s dozen and generally that only works well if you’re dealing with jelly donuts. Either that or somebody on the production staff took the same math class with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner.

Nevertheless, allow me to handicap the Top 12, no, make it Top13, based on what I have seen so far. If you watch Idol, this will be a handy guide. If you don’t give a shit, move on to your next site. I’ll still be here tomorrow.

TOP ROW (from left to right):

Adam Lambert: The Idol finalist most likely to be mistaken for Liza Minnelli circa 1987. This season, there are 5 girls, 7 guys, and Adam who may or may not be either. He has a stage career already, having been in a variety of musicals. No surprise there either. He’s got a solid voice, but also a whole shitload of pictures on the internet where he is tongue kissing any guy with the slightest bit of body piercing. Methinks this is not going to fly too long with the Idol weekly voter who is the prototypical 13 year-old girl in Bumfuk, Iowa. She has never seen such goings-on ever. That’s because Little Steffi has never seen what her dad is doing down at the local tavern.

Scott MacIntyre: Idol’s first blind finalist who has already struck out twice trying to high-five host Ryan Seacrest. A decent voice and you can tell he has some musical training. Yet, I’m not sure if the audience loves him for his singing or for the fact that he can’t see the audience. Scott will be a challenge when they start doing those group production numbers. During the first one, he was sitting down the entire time. That only works if you’re Ella Fitzgerald after the first amputation. Still, I expect Scott to last a while. On stage, he is shepherded around by his brother and even I think this guy is good looking. This kid alone could get Scott some votes.

Anoop Desai: Slumdog Idol finalist. This Indian kid has hung on for dear life throughout the competition so far. He’s hanging on with his fingers as if he was holding onto a branch during the last monsoon. They keep flashing to his parents in the audience and I wonder who’s behind the bulletproof glass down at 7/Eleven. His voice is just okay in my book.

Danny Gokey: He’s a great singer, but also this year’s Idol sob story. Danny’s wife died suddenly about four weeks before his audition and this is only reminded every time they speak to him. Plus his family members keep holding her picture up to the camera. She’s gotten so much screen time she could actually join AFTRA posthumously. Despite all this slobbering, Danny will sail through perhaps to the bottom three or four.

MIDDLE ROW (from left to right):

Kris Allen: The Wonder bread white boy who gets no votes except from those fifteen year-old girls who have started to masturbate. Kris reminds me of Peter Brady in that episode where his voice kept cracking. He can start making other plans by the end of March.

Jasmine Murray: A late addition to the Idol finalists and probably a first subtraction to the Idol finalists. A weak competitor and, besides, the audience has another Black girl to fall in love with.

Lil Rounds: The other Black girl that America has fallen in love with. And, rightfully so, Lil is a powerhouse. Her name also reminds me of a brand of saltines. She will stick around for a long, long time.

Alexis Grace: The girl who I was first impressed with. Actually, the girl I really was first impressed with was in my Sunday school class. But, I digress. Alexis has a powerful style and has finally gotten rid of the two tone hair dye job she sported in the early auditions. Obviously, some hair stylist in Hollywood got a hold of her and said, "No, no, no, no." Perhaps a friend of fellow Idol finalist Adam Lambert.

Allison Iraheta: Cute as a button with red hair that looks like it came out of one of Lucy Ricardo's Henna bottles. Nevertheless, she's a little young to be singing the torch songs, and that could be her downfall. It's tough to sing about being a scorned woman when you still have a Jonas Brothers poster on your bedroom wall. She will get the vote of those teenage girls who are sorely in need of a big sister.

Megan Corkrey: The annual Idol finalist devoted to body art. There is one every season and it always seems to be a chick. Megan has a mural that goes down her right arm and it looks gross. Actually, she reminds me of the Sunday funnies in the old New York Journal American. She's got a country music focus and this sometimes gets some traction on Idol. But, let's face it, Carrie Underwood didn't ink herself. And Megan will be no Carrie Underwood. She won't last more than four or five weeks. But, sadly, she'll have that huge ink stain for life.

BOTTOM ROW (from left to right):

Matt Giraud: This year's Idol finalist who is eternally devoted to Hedda Hopper. Hats, hats, and more hats. Where's the bald spot, Matt? The audience has seemed to love him, but I find him only ordinary. Dull as dishwater and the only chance he has is if Paula Abdul tries to seduce him in an alley behind Television City.

Jorge Nunez: I'm not sure about him in a variety of ways. Likeability, singing prowess, sexual orientation. Up to now, he's been okay. But he enhances his mystique by talking in Spanish and crying a lot. Maybe it's because he found out ICE has been watching Idol.

Michael Sarver: Big and burly and he can probably kick the shit out of you while singing "Luck Be a Lady." His occupation is described as "Oil Rig Roughneck." Not to be confused with Rahm Emanuel who is described as "White House Chief of Staff Roughneck." He can sing and also fix your washing machine at the same time. This guy will last for a while. America loves Blue Collar. And roughnecks.

My prediction: The final three will be comprised of Lil the snack cracker, Danny the widower, and either Scott the blind guy or Michael the roughneck. Or maybe they will just include them all and call it "The Final Four."

Dinner last night: BLT at Islands.