If I Tweeted - May 2013

I don't, you know.  But, if I did, here's what I would have tweeted this month.

#LenSpeaks  Is there such a thing as the May pole?  The only one I remember was in the opening credits of "The Odd Couple."

#LenSpeaks  The media news outlets still think that Benghazi was played by Vince Edwards.

#LenSpeaks  Or it's a rub-on pain reliever available in Afghanistan.

#LenSpeaks  The very best non-stick surface available today is Barack Obama.

#LenSpeaks  Do you ever wonder what the President does when it's too rainy to golf and NCAA basketball is done?

#LenSpeaks  Uh oh, I better delete that line.  I might be audited.

#LenSpeaks  I know two people who have been audited for the first time ever.  After they made Tea Party donations for the very first time.

#LenSpeaks  Hmmmmmm....

#LenSpeaks  My service guy at Toyota when I brought my car in for maintenance:  "The only thing wrong with your car is the Mets license plate holder."

#LenSpeaks  How weird is that both my favorite baseball teams stink?  And you think I'm kidding when I say I'm cursed.

#LenSpeaks  Obama tweeted a photo of him and his kid hugging under a White House portrait of Lincoln.

#LenSpeaks  Yeah, that was purely spontaneous.

#LenSpeaks  But I guess when you can't golf or do brackets, you tweet.

#LenSpeaks  And that just secured my audit for 2010.

#LenSpeaks  Luckily, I save all my Quicken files.

#LenSpeaks  Keith Hernandez on playing day games in Chicago:  "You can't soar with the eagles if you hoot with the owls."

#LenSpeaks  Back in his playing days, Keith was snorting like a pig.

#LenSpeaks  I actually watched the American Idol finale.  So who's the other person that did?

#LenSpeaks  Does anybody still watch that show except Ryan Seacrest's parents?

#LenSpeaks  They're firing all the judges for next year, including Randy Jackson.  His response:  "Wow, dog, I was in it to win it."

#LenSpeaks  On the finale, Ryan Seacrest was in a tuxedo and looked like he should be sitting on Edgar Bergen's knee.

#LenSpeaks  Oh, they announced the win and she looks 45.  I thought there was an age restriction on this show.

#LenSpeaks  Meanwhile, didn't the winner already get an Oscar for "The Help?"

#LenSpeaks  Somebody call the printer and cancel the order for "Hillary 2016" bumper stickers.

#LenSpeaks  They're making a movie about Hillary at the age of 26.  The hot actresses in Hollywood are lining up for the part.

#LenSpeaks  If Len were casting, I'd hire Melissa McCarthy.  Another annoying big mouth with a fat ass.

#LenSpeaks  Wow, a tornado in Oklahoma.  Anybody surprised?

#LenSpeaks  That's like somebody in Minnesota being shocked when it snows.

#LenSpeaks  There's so much coverup in Washington DC that the Obamas renamed their dog "Checkers."

#LenSpeaks  I love idiots on Facebook who are so impressed when "Barack" sings the National Anthem.  

#LenSpeaks  He could be just like me in church and he simply moves his lips.

#LenSpeaks  I saw Tommy Lasorda sound asleep in the Dodgers owners' box and I don't blame him.

Dinner last night:  Beef and pork lasagna from Gelson's.