334 BC: THE MACEDONIAN ARMY OF ALEXANDER THE GREAT DEFEATS DARIUS III OF PERSIA.
There were three Darius' in Persia. There were only two on Bewitched.
853: A BYZANTINE FLEET SACKS AND DESTROYS UNDEFENDED DAMIETTA IN EGYPT.
Undefended? The first ever incidence of bullying recorded in history.
1176: THE HASHSHASHIN ATTEMPT TO MURDER SALADIN NEAR ALEPPO.
The Hashshashin should get addicted on hashish. Then say that five times fast.
1200: KING JOHN OF ENGLAND AND KING PHILIP II OF FRANCE SIGN THE TREATY OF LE GOULET.
Did Carol Lawrence know about this?
1377: POPE GREGORY XI ISSUES FIVE PAPAL BULLS TO DENOUNCE THE DOCTRINES OF THEOLOGIAN JOHN WYCLIFFE.
And that's no.....okay, you finish the line.
1762: SWEDEN AND PRUSSIA SIGN THE TREATY OF HAMBURG.
With onions and relish.
1802: FIRST LADY MARTHA WASHINGTON DIES.
She had absolutely no problem with candy machines in schools.
1807: A GRAND JURY INDICTS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES AARON BURR ON A CHARGE OF TREASON.
Which is why you don't see Aaron Burr's photo on any currency.
1816: A MOB IN CAMBRIDGESHIRE, ENGLAND, RIOTS OVER HIGH UNEMPLOYMENT.
And this is new how?
1826: HMS BEAGLE DEPARTS ON ITS FIRST VOYAGE.
My favorite breed of dog. Just saying.
1849: POLITICIAN LOUIS PERRIER IS BORN.
Insert your favorite sparkling water joke here.
1859: AUTHOR SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE IS BORN.
I have read every single Sherlock Holmes book he wrote. Just saying.
1863: DURING THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR, UNION FORCES LAY SIEGE TO THE CONFEDERATE-CONTROLLED PORT HUDSON, LOUISIANA.
For a war that lasted only four years, there sure were a lot of important battle places.
1885: AUTHOR VICTOR HUGO DIES.
The guy who wrote about the seedy part of France. Oh, wait, all of France is seedy.
1906: THE WRIGHT BROTHERS ARE GRANTED A US PATENT FOR THEIR FLYING MACHINE.
Those magnificent men.
1907: SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER IS BORN.
He was married to Vivien Leigh. No dummy was he.
1910: TV ANNOUNCER JOHNNY OLSON IS BORN.
Come on down!
1922: TV PRODUCER QUINN MARTIN IS BORN.
A Mother Martin Production.
1924: SINGER CHARLES AZNAVOUR IS BORN.
And he's still alive so I guess it's true what they say about drinking lots of wine.
1926: CHIANG KAI-SHEK REPLACES COMMUNISTS IN KUOMINTANG CHINA.
Replaced them with what?
1927" ACTOR MICHAEL CONSTANTINE IS BORN.
Room 222!
1930: POLITICIAN HARVEY MILK IS BORN.
His expiration date was 1978.
1938: ACTOR RICHARD BENJAMIN IS BORN.
One of those celebrities that I constantly see all over town.
1939: GERMANY AND ITALY SIGN THE PACT OF STEEL.
Unholy alliance indeed.
1942: ACTRESS BARBARA PARKINS IS BORN.
What time does the bus leave for Peyton Place?
1942: MEXICO ENTERS WORLD WAR II ON THE SIDE OF THE ALLIES.
I didn't know that leaf blowers were considered weapons.
1942: TED WILLIAMS OF THE BOSTON RED SOX ENLISTS IN THE US MARINES.
I can't wait for that intra-barracks softball game.
1943: BASEBALL PLAYER TOMMY JOHN IS BORN.
And yet he's better known for having surgery.
1947: US PRESIDENT HARRY TRUMAN SIGNS AN ANTI-COMMUNISM ACT INTO LAW THAT WILL LATER BE CALLED THE TRUMAN DOCTRINE.
And what else would you have called that doctrine??
1960: AN EARTHQUAKE MEASURING 9.5 HITS SOUTHERN CHILE. IT IS THE MOST POWERFUL EARTHQUAKE EVER RECORDED.
Chile? Total property damage: $4,57.
1961: ACTRESS JOAN DAVIS DIES.
I Buried Joan.
1964: US PRESIDENT LYNDON JOHNSON ANNOUNCES THE GOALS OF HIS GREAT SOCIETY TO BRING AN END TO POVERTY AND RACIAL INJUSTICE IN AMERICA.
A society that has yet to get past the level of mediocre.
1969: APOLLO 10'S LUNAR MODULE FLIES WITHIN 8.4 MILES OF THE MOON'S SURFACE.
Close, but not yet a giant step for mankind.
1972: ACTRESS MARGARET RUTHERFORD DIES.
Solve this, Miss Marple.
1975: BASEBALL PLAYER LEFTY GROVE DIES.
I don't have a single funny thing to say about that.
1980: PAC-MAN VIDEO GAME IS RELEASED.
And there goes the attention span of millions of children,.
1990: MICROSOFT RELEASES WINDOWS 3.0.
And what number are we up to now?
1990: BOXER ROCKY GRAZIANO DIES.
Now he'll get to meet the somebody up there that likes him.
1992: AFTER 30 YEARS, JOHNNY CARSON HOSTS THE TONIGHT SHOW FOR THE LAST TIME.
One of the sadder days of my life.
1998: ACTOR JOHN DEREK DIES.
A line forms for those making condolence calls to the widow.
1998: A FEDERAL JUDGE RULES THAT US SECRET SERVICE AGENTS CAN BE COMPELLED TO TESTIFY BEFORE A GRAND JURY CONCERNING THE MONICA LEWINSKY SCANDAL.
Was this big news at one time?
2001: ACTOR WHITMAN MAYO DIES.
Held.
2002: IN WASHINGTON DC, THE REMAINS OF THE MISSING CHANDRA LEVY ARE FOUND.
Which means she's no longer missing.
2003: IN FORT WORTH, TEXAS, ANNIKA SORENSTAM BECOMES THE FIRST WOMAN TO PLAY THE PGA TOUR IN 58 YEARS.
I thought that was Dinah Shore.
Dinner last night: Chicken tenders, French fries, and vegetables.
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