This Date in History - May 15

Happy birthday, Wavy Gravy.  Who, you say?  I don't know, I say.  But his name showed up on the May 15 birthday list and, with a name like that, it's impossible not to include him.

392:  EMPEROR VALENTINIAN II IS ASSASSINATED WHILE ADVANCING INTO GAUL AGAINST THE FRANKISH USURPER ARBOGAST.  HE IS FOUND HANGING IN HIS RESIDENCE.

What was he hanging from?  I mean, back then, there were no overhead light fixtures.

589:  KING AUTHARI MARRIES THEODELINDA, DAUGHTER OF THE BAVARIAN DUKE GARIBALD I.  

Sentences like that are why I always hated world history in high school.

1252:  POPE INNOCENT IV ISSUES THE PAPAL BULL AD EXTIRPANDA, WHICH AUTHORIZES, BUT ALSO LIMITS, THE TORTURE OF HERETICS IN THE MEDIEVAL INQUISITION.

He's Innocent...and trying to keep it that way.

1525:  INSURGENT PEASANTS LED BY PASTOR THOMAS MUENTZER WERE DEFEATED AT THE BATTLE OF FRANKENHAUSEN, ENDING THE GERMAN PEASANTS' WAR IN THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE.

#OccupyFrankenhausen.

1536:  ANNE BOLEYN, QUEEN OF ENGLAND, STANDS TRIAL IN LONDON ON CHARGES OF TREASON, ADULTERY, AND INCEST.  SHE IS CONDEMNED TO DEATH.

She was a head of her time.

1602:  BARTHOLOMEW GOSNOLD BECOMES THE FIRST RECORDED EUROPEAN TO SEE CAPE COD.  

In May.  He beat the summer rates.

1648:  THE TREATY OF WESTPHALIA IS SIGNED.

I love their ham.

1718:  JAMES PUCKLE, A LONDON LAWYER, PATENTS THE WORLD'S FIRST MACHINE GUN.

Elliot Ness thanks you.

1791:  MAXIILIEN ROBESPIERRE PROPOSES THE SELF-DENYING ORDINANCE.

Self denying what?  Umm, maybe I shouldn't ask.

1817: THE FIRST US PRIVATE MENTAL HEALTH HOSPITAL, THE ASYLUM FOR THE RELIEF OF PERSONS DEPRIVED OF THE USE OF THEIR REASON, OPENS IN PHILADELPHIA.

That's a long way to say "nut house."

1858:  OPENING OF THE PRESENT ROYAL OPERA HOUSE IN COVENT GARDEN, LONDON.

Eliza Doolittle needed some place to sell her flowers.

1862:  PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN SIGNS A BILL INTO LAW CREATING THE US BUREAU OF AGRICULTURE.  

Good, he freed the farmers.

1869:  IN NEW YORK, SUSAN B. ANTHONY AND ELIZABETH CADY STANTON FORM THE NATIONAL WOMAN SUFFRAGE ASSOCIATION.

And when do they give equal rights to their husbands?

1886:  POET EMILY DICKINSON DIES.

She should have stayed in bed because now she's dead.

1902:  POLITICIAN RICHARD DALEY IS BORN.

Any politician in Chicago is born automatically corrupt.

1905:  ACTOR JOSEPH COTTEN IS BORN.

No, he did not invent the Q-Tip.

1905:  BUSINESSMAN ABRAHAM ZAPRUDER IS BORN.

Back and to the left....back and to the left.

1905:  LAS VEGAS, NEVADA IS FOUNDED.

Now Siegfried and Roy have someplace to go.

1909:  ACTOR JAMES MASON IS BORN.

A star is born.

1918:  COUNTRY SINGER EDDY ARNOLD IS BORN.

Back in the day when country singers sounded like...well, country singers.

1928:  MICKEY MOUSE PREMIERES IN HIS FIRST CARTOON "PLANE CRAZY."

And still his fur is jet black.  He must use "Just for Mice."

1935:  THE MOSCOW METRO IS OPENED TO THE PUBLIC.

I can't think of a worse place to be than Russia during rush hour.

1936:  ACTRESS ANNA MARIA ALBERGHETTI IS BORN.

With meatballs.

1936:  CLOWN WAVY GRAVY IS BORN.

And I still don't know who the hell he is.

1940:  SINGER LAINIE KAZAN IS BORN.

She always plays a fussy old Jew.  Probably because she is.

1940:  MCDONALD'S OPENS ITS FIRST RESTAURANT IN SAN BERNARDINO, CALIFORNIA.

Two Served.

1942:   IN THE US, A BILL CREATED THE WOMEN'S ARMY AUXILIARY CORPS IS SIGNED INTO LAW.

They're called WAACs and that sure describes any girl I ever knew.

1948:  FOLLOWING THE DEMISE OF THE BRITISH MANDATE OF PALESTINE, EGYPT, TRANSJORDAN, LEBANON, SYRIA, IRAQ, AND SAUDI ARABIA INVADE ISRAEL THUS STARTING THE 1948 ARAB-ISRAELI WAR.

Talk about a pile-on.

1953:  BASEBALL STAR GEORGE BRETT IS BORN.

Without the aid of any pine tar in the birth canal.

1963:  THE LAUNCH OF THE FINAL MERCURY MISSION, MERCURY-ATLAS 9 WITH ASTRONAUT GORDON COOPER ON BOARD.  HE BECOMES THE FIRST AMERICAN TO SPEND MORE THAN A DAY IN SPACE.

On that very day, I was attending my first ever baseball game at Yankee Stadium.  I remember this because the scoreboard kept telling us how many orbits Cooper had completed.

1969:  CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR RONALD REAGAN HAS AN IMPROMPTU STUDENT PARK OWNED BY UC-BERKELEY FENCED OFF FROM STUDENT ANTI-WAR PROTESTORS IN A RIOT CALLED BLOODY TUESDAY.

There he goes again.

1972:  IN LAUREL, MARYLAND, ARTHUR BREMER SHOOTS AND PARALYZES ALABAMA GOVERNOR GEORGE WALLACE WHILE HE IS CAMPAIGNING TO BECOME PRESIDENT.

If he was aiming for the head, he missed.

1994:  ACTOR GILBERT ROLAND DIES.

The tightrope walker in "The Big Circus."  

2003:  SINGER JUNE CARTER CASH DIES.

Cash is no longer king.  Or queen.

2007:  PASTOR JERRY FALWELL DIES.

See ya, dirt bag.

2008:  CALIFORNIA BECOMES THE SECOND US STATE AFTER MASSACHUSETTS TO LEGALIZE SAME-SEX MARRIAGE.

When do the polygamy activists get their day in court?  

Dinner last night:  Steak and mashed potatoes with broccoli.