My Visit to the Queen City

Following Tuesday's roundtrip flight to Hell, my Thursday one-dayer to Cincinnati, Ohio, couldn't possibly be worse. And that was indeed the case.

Well, almost.

First, the good news. Not only did this trip officially end my lifetime boycott of Ohio, I also can cross the great state of Kentucky off my list as well. It seems the Cincinnati airport is just across the river in Kentucky. Predictably, there is nothing in Kentucky worth mentioning as it wasn't the first Saturday of May (Derby Day).

The downtown portion of Cincinnati is pretty much contained in about five city blocks. It is super clean, super uncongested, and super boring. I passed by the Cincy Reds' new Great American Ball Park as well as the football Bengals' Paul Brown Stadium. You can't miss either. They are right next door to each other. The football arena has this incredibly open feel. It looked like people sitting in the upper deck could easily fall out if they had one too many brewskis. If you try to get away from the stadium area, you can't go far. No matter where you turn in the downtown area, you see the freakin' light towers of the baseball park. It looks like a cool place. It is borderline antiseptic. And boring.

I got to Cincinnati/Kentucky/whatever in a lickity split style. The plane from LaGuardia left on time. I descended into the scorching Midwestern heat fifteen minutes early. American Airlines had returned like the Phoenix from my list of the dead.

But the efficient morning became a faded memory by late afternoon. Hell had thawed again.

I arrived at Cincinnati/Kentucky/whatever airport 90 minutes before my scheduled 528PM flight back to Flushing Bay. I was stunned by the screening process administered by their Homeland Insecurity squad. Apparently, these are the folks who took their training seriously. After placing your bag, shoes, etc. on the conveyor belt, you step into some contraption. The glass doors close and then air shoots up at you from the floor. It was almost as if Six Flags was now in charge. When I got past the guard, my backpack was flagged for "unknown objects." The attendant ordered me like Charlie Chan. "Touch nothing." I held my hands up as if I were being robbed in Shubert Alley.

So, what had aroused the Gestapo's suspicions? My Ocean saline spray. My pencil needed for Sudoku puzzles. And my Chapstick. All of which never ever leaves my bag when I travel from LA to NY and back. I walked away a little violated, but then impressed and confused at the same time. Indeed, this is how thorough these searches need to be. But, why the hell is it being wasted in Ohio/Kentucky? The only terrorists probably in play there are ticket scalpers for Ohio State football games. Meanwhile, I have walked through screenings unaccosted in New York and Los Angeles, as I amble by amongst the best and worst of the third world army.

More confusion ensued at the gate. It was announced that, due to air traffic congestion at LaGuardia, we would not have a plane available for a while. I looked out the window at the tarmac. A plane was sitting at the gate. Okay, I had an option to kill some time. A friend and former denizen of Ohio told me that I must sample Skyline Chili when I was in Cincinnati. And there's one in the airport. Given the alleged delay, I wondered how much time I had to do so.

Me: "Do you have a rough idea when we will be leaving?"

Agent: "Probably not for another hour and a half."

Me: "So I have time to go and get something to eat."

Agent: "Probably. But we could release the plane at any time."

Me: (looking at the empty plane at the gate): "But I thought there was no plane available?"

Agent: "There's not. But it could be released at any time."

I wondered how they could quickly release a plane they either did or did not have. I decided to find Skyline Chili. I walked toward the terminal.

Security Guard: "Where you going, sir?"

Me: "My plane is delayed. I'm going to get something to eat."

Security Guard: "Okay, but you'll have to go through screening again."

I looked to my left. The former Berlin Wall sentry was still on duty and probably dying to wrestle my Ocean saline gel to the ground once again.

Me: (to the Security Guard) "Where's Skyline Chili?"

Security Guard: "The other terminal."

I slouched back to my gate and resorted to a bag of potato chips for my repast.

Yes, the plane was released earlier. And, yes, the empty plane on the tarmac indeed was our plane. And, yes, I did hear the following announcement on the PA.

"Will United passengers on Flight 1540 please report to Gate 5 for your delayed on-time departure."

Huh?

The ninety minute flight back to NY actually took over two hours as Laguardia air traffic controllers apparently diverted us to Spain.

As we banked over and over into huge circles over somewhere, I peered out the window and wondered just how dangerous Chapstick really is.

Dinner last night: The aforementioned bag of potato chips.