This month's movie guide is in two parts, as I provide you with one more complimentary service. The holiday movie season is always an intense one. It is my honor to help you successfully navigate the multiplexes so you can make your filmgoing experience especially rewarding. The source for my summaries below is the Los Angeles Times as well as some trailers I may have seen. Good luck. I think we will all need it. Choking Man: A Queens diner is the setting for an unlikely romance between an Ecuadorean dishwasher and a Chinese waitress. This features the always annoying Mandy Patinkin in a supporting role. How many strikes does the movie need before we send it back to whatever country it came from? Fred Claus: One more Hollywood attempt to flesh out St. Nick's back story. What's next? A snapshot of Santa's cousin, a Borscht Belt comic: Shecky Claus. This is one more demonstration that the only comedy Vince Vaughn should be doing is no comedy. Lions for Lambs: This political drama has big names attached. Director Robert Redford and he co-stars alongside Tom Cruise and Meryl Streep. The trailer looks dreadful. I would rather watch one of those late night infomercials that shows you how to super clean your colon. P2: A woman is terrorized by a security guard in a parking garage on Christmas Eve. Hey, stupid, you should have done your shopping earlier. Pete Seeger: Power of Song: A documentary on the singer/political activist who probably still doesn't wear clean socks. Steal a Pencil For Me: They say it's about an accountant imprisoned in a concentration camp during WWII. From that description, I am thinking that maybe it's a comedy. Original title: The Turbo Nazis. No Country for Old Men: Tommy Lee Jones and the Coen Brothers. Except for Blood Simple and Fargo, their stuff stinks. Tommy Lee Jones acts the same in every role he does. I just saw his first film appearance ever when I rented the DVD version of "Love Story." He had two lines and did them no differently than he does anything else. Opening November 16: Beowulf: It's on billboards all over LA. The monster's mother is played by Angelina Jolie. Insert your own joke here. How To Cook Your Life: You put your head in a microwave. I saw the trailer for this one. It's about the Buddhist approach to food preparation. Well, how come it never looks peaceful and quiet in the kitchen of a Chinese restaurant? Love in the Time of Cholera: The title alone has me on another ticket buying line. Smiley Face: Anna Faris stars as a pot-fueled actress making her way through an LA odyssey after sampling her roommate's marijuana-laced cupcakes. Original Title: The Lindsay Lohan Story. Redacted: Brian DiPalma's take on the Iraq war. What's next? The Iraqi conflict as depicted by a Rankin-Bass cartoon. "The Jew Who Ruined Christmas." Margot at the Wedding: Some dysfunctional family dreck with Nicole Kidman, who majored in dysfunction at college. Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium: Thank God they don't have marquees anymore because this one maxes out the letters. Dustin Hoffman runs a toy store and he has bad hair. The latter is redundant. Opening November 21: August Rush: I have seen this trailer so many times that I thought the movie opened months ago. Freddie Highmore stars as a musically gifted child seeking his birth parents. Robin Williams co-stars in his annual Oscar entry. Christmas in Wonderland: Two kids go shopping in a mall with counterfeit bills. The first holiday movie to be produced by Court TV. Enchanted: A fairy tale princess from Disney animation winds up as a human in the middle of Times Square. As if anybody would notice. This is the Christmas movie for the El Capitan, so I'd see it regardless. Hitman: Some super-violent video game comes to life. When is somebody going to make a live action version of Frogger? I'm Not There: About nine different actors, both male and female, play Bob Dylan in various stages of his life. I know somebody who once shared a rancid limo ride with him. None of those life stages will apparently include bathing. The Mist: Another Stephen King terror yarn about a bunch of people trapped in a grocery store. Original title: The Attack of the Killer Slim Jims. Opening November 23: Holly: Vietnamese sex slavery. I'm in. Starting Out in the Evening: An aging novelist and an inquisitive grad student. I napped during the trailer. What Would Jesus Buy?: A documentary about some activists fighting rampant consumerism during the holidays. So, if they're so concerned, why didn't they open this movie in March? Opening November 28: The Savages: I've seen the trailer and I am engaged. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Laura Linney play two siblings fighting over the care of their ailing father. Given I had no sibling to fight with over the care of my ailing parents, I would like to see how it all works. Opening November 30: Awake: Hayden Christensen wakes up during surgery. A recurring nightmare for everybody. This will be picketed by anesthesiologists across the country. Sex and Breakfast: A bunch of young couples experiment with group sex. Note that Macaulay Culkin is in the cast and he has finally figured out what to do when he's home alone. Yiddish Theater: A Love Story: Because there's always one special movie released in time for Hanukah. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: Takers, anybody? Next week, I tackle December for you.
Opening November 9:
1 comment:
So many movies, none worth seeing.
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