Happy 2nd Anniversary to Me

Two years ago today, I made my very first blog posting here. It was rudimentary, laid out poorly, and made little sense.

I’ve come a long way, baby. Because there are still some days where I am rudimentary, laid out poorly, and make little sense. But, for some bizarre reason, you are still here….and so am I.

As a special treat, I am opening up the e-mailbag and addressing some of your previously ignored questions and comments, both good and bad. All are printed anonymously but you all know who you are. And, if you don’t, there are probably a few medical websites that may be better suited to your immediate needs.

Q: I love your blog, but you sure do eat out a lot. And what’s this fascination with German cold cuts?

A: I eat out a lot because I can. And the sheer effort of providing you with hilarity on a daily basis takes up all my kitchen prep time. I’m not the only one not cooking. Try the Cheesecake Factory in Brentwood any weeknight and there are tons of little kids roaming around in search of a mother who knows how to turn on a stove. As for the German cold cuts, it’s comfort food as that’s what we always had in my house when I was a kid. Luckily, I have found a German pork store here in LA that loads up on these wonderful nitrate-infused meats.

Q: Don’t you think you should be giving Obama more of a chance?

A: You mean like the Democrats ever give an incoming Republican President a fair shake? Both sides are equally ugly and this country is sorely in need of a third party that is fair and unbiased. But, then again, if they were fair and unbiased, they wouldn’t be politicians, would they? Let’s face it, the first two months of Obama have been an unmitigated disaster. And I’m not the only one saying that.

Q: More Grandma stories, please.

A: The only trouble is that she’s not making any new ones. She died in 1982. It's the same reason why you’re not seeing any new episodes of “I Love Lucy.” Eventually, I will run out and I will have to start making fun of all your grandmothers.

Q: How come we never hear many details of your day job?

A: Because I would like to keep enjoying the many details of my day job. And that’s also why there are certain personalities that are off limits in this blog. Want to know who? Send a SASE with $2 and I’ll provide the list.

Q: Did you ever think about making this subscriber-only blog? I’d pay to read this stuff.

A: Well, let’s first see how the $2 charge for the list of celebrities I won’t trash goes.

Q: How old are you?

A: Make that $1000 and a SASE.

Q: What do you expect heaven to be like?

A: Hopefully, only a twenty minute drive from Dodger Stadium.

Q: Are there people in your personal life you can't forgive?

A: Who's asking these questions? David Frost? Forgive for what? Nobody's done anything that horrible to me. Yet. There are people I have outgrown. One very good friend from college, for instance, came to visit in LA a few years back. And the years had not been kind. Said person has turned into the crankiest, most annoying individual you'd ever want to meet. Christmas cards have stopped. I guess that's my version of "not forgiving."

Q: What's on your TiVo Season Pass right now?

A: Okay, vintage reruns of What's My Line? Desperate Housewives. Brothers and Sisters. American Idol. 24. The Big Bang Theory. Two and a Half Men. Top Chef (I don't watch it but the roommate does). And anything that I write once it's produced.

Q: How old are you?

A: You asked that already.

Q: How do you manage to put up new blog entries so early in the day?

A: Right before I go to bed, I pull up the next day's entry (already written in advance usually) and add the "Dinner Last Night" portion. Then, I schedule it to run automatically at a time I pre-select. The only day that I don't do this is Wednesday since I want the ability to add any late-breaking hilarity from the universe.

Q: Your favorite baseball player ever?

A: Tom Seaver. Because he made both the Mets and me relevant.

Q: Did you like being an only child?

A: I can tell you that there wasn't as much upside as you would think. I was not spoiled. I would have liked some sibling support when the folks took ill so I could share decisions. But, on the positive end, I got to keep it all when they died.

Q: Did you ever ask your parents for a sibling?

A: If it was a choice of that and a bigger allowance, I always opted for the cash.

Q: Do you regret never marrying?

A: Yes, no, and maybe. What time is it? I could have once. It was ready to happen. At least I was.

Q: Did you ever imagine having children?

A: Who the hell is sending these questions? Dr. Phil? I have a lot of friends who don't act their age, so perhaps that suffices.

Q: You sound like a real right winger.

A: And, judging by your comment, you sound like a real left winger. Actually, while I tend to be conservative, I am more of a centrist than you think. I despise the way that side of the aisle brings religion in every aspect of government. Sorry, folks, God does not belong there. And I am pro-choice. At the same, I abhor the other side of the aisle where we're all supposed to sing "kumbaya" and hug our brothers. I don't want to. As I wrote above, I'm an only child and have no desire to support the lifestyle of the unemployed slob next door.

Q: I loved the story about you and your roommate looking for dates the same night. More dating stories, please. And what about that reference to one you won't tell for a long time.

A: I'd like more dating stories please. And, as for that elusive tale, check back on this blog in about twenty years. I might be ready at that point. For now, it's buried deep in my drawer. At least, it's not in a closet.

Thanks for all the questions. See you tomorrow for Year 3.

Dinner last night: Penne with meatballs.