Welcome to Los Angeles, Joe Torre

Dear Joe---

Just letting you know that Dodgers fans are all abuzz with anticipation about your impending arrival. As a personal service to you, let me be the first to give you and your family some very important tips for you to remember as you navigate the Southern California landscape.

---When you're looking for a new home, avoid any neighborhood that features a strip mall with a bail bonds outlet. Also, if you see more than one 99 Cent store, keep going.

---If you're bringing along any Yankee bobbleheads, keep them on a low shelf. When you suddenly see them all shaking for no reason, there really is a reason.

---When you're in the Dodger dugout and you suddenly smell sausage and peppers, be aware that Lasorda is probably sitting in the owner's box again.

---It's totally cool if you see Mexicans working in the kitchen of an Italian restaurant. Or a Chinese restaurant. Or a Persian restaurant. Or slicing up onions and mushrooms at Benihana's.

---I don't care what anybody else out here tells you. It is totally acceptable to honk your horn when stuck in traffic. Long and loud. Repeatedly. Just pretend it's the Major Deegan.

---If you want real NY style pizza, you have to try Vito's on LaCienega. He's an Italian from New Jersey and the food tastes like it. Plus there are no Mexicans working in the kitchen.

---I've seen the recent pictures of your hair. Always wear a cap out here.

---Don't drink the water straight out of the tap. Why? I have three words for you. Los Angeles River.

---All the really good urologists are in Santa Monica.

---Sinatra's not coming to the games here any more. But I would suggest you get acquainted with "Who's The Boss" reruns because Alyssa Milano will be calling you about pitching changes.

---Good news: Scott Proctor is here and awaiting your nightly call from the fifth inning on.

---Don't try to make a left turn. Ever.

---There will be nobody here on your roster who addresses you as "Mr. Torre." In fact, don't be surprised if your salutation from Jeff Kent amounts to "Hey, You!."

---You don't want to drive on the southbound side of the 405 between the 101 and Santa Monica Boulevard from 4 to 5PM. Not that it's particularly crowded, but that's the time I'm on the road and one less car in my way is always good.

---The seventh inning stretches at Dodger Stadium last no longer than two minutes tops.

---There is no mascot eagle here. The closest thing will be the crows feet around the eyes of the owner's wife.

---The home dugout is on the third base side. Make sure you're pointed in the right direction on those mound trips or else you will be removing a peanut vendor from the game.

---The only annoying insect out here is Billy Crystal.

---Don't do a double take when your owner gets up from a lunch table and he hasn't spilled a thing.

By the way, I generally go to games on Tuesdays, Fridays, and Sundays. Maybe we can sync up a car pool?

Good luck. We're all counting on you.

Dinner last night: Leftover ravioli and meatballs.